unattainable (tony stonem/chris miles)

(2) Episode 5.1

I was in my bedroom blasting Oasis when my brother opened my door and headed straight to my speaker to turn the music down.
"Hey!" I protested, but he ignored me.
He leant against my wall and asked, "have you spoke to Chris?"
I shrugged. "Not really. Why?" And then, feeling defensive, I added, "is this an interrogation? And if it is, have you spoke to Cassie?"
Sid rolled his eyes. "Can you wind your neck in for just one day at the minute, please?" He was right. I'd been a cow since the camping trip. I felt like my friendship with Chris had been damaged again, and I didn't know if it was permanent this time, and I'd felt too guilty about 1) the incident at his house and 2) the incident at camping, to even check how Tony was doing. Sid continued, "no, I haven't spoke to Cassie. But you should speak to Chris."
"Why?" I asked. I knew there must be a reason, it wasn't like Sid to get too involved.
He sighed. "Chris has been expelled. He's going to get kicked out of his student dorm room, too. He's going to need you right now."
I abruptly sat up from my lying position. "What? What's happened?"
"Well, I heard he pissed on the science block, stole prescription medication from the nurse's office and shagged a random bimbo on a teacher's desk."
I sighed. None of it sounded unfeasible. In fact, it sounded exactly like stuff Chris would do that'd result in him getting expelled.
"Christ." I said aloud, before grabbing my coat.
"Are you going to the party later?" Sid called after me as I was already on my way down the stairs.
"I don't know." I called back to him.

***

I harshly knocked on Chris' dorm room door and sighed impatiently as I waited.

After ten seconds, a groggy looking Chris swung it open, in some ripped boxers, a tatty dressing gown, looking like he'd slept for an hour in the past week.
"Jesus, you look shit." I couldn't stop myself from saying.
"Well thanks, Cleo. It's always nice to see you too. Come in!" Even the 'come in' was laced with sarcasm and displeasure. I felt hated.

I walked into the tobacco-scented dorm room after Chris and shut the door behind me. "Look, I'm sorry. About everything. About you being expelled. Are you okay?"
Chris sat down on the bed and lit another cigarette. "Well, other than the fact I'm going to be homeless with zero qualifications, yeah, I'm grand."
I sighed, feeling slightly helpless. "How can I make you feel better?"
Chris shrugged, and I could tell he was trying not to make eye contact with me. "You've barely spoken to me since last weekend. Why do you care now?"
"Come on, Chris, I'm sorry."
He looked up at me with his wide, puppy-dog eyes that made my heart melt and the guilt overflow. "We said it wouldn't be weird."
He was right, we did say that. I did say that. But it hadn't felt like that. "Yeah, but... I mean, it is a bit. And you said it was a mistake." I couldn't deny that that comment hadn't been stuck in my mind since he'd said it.
"You said it was a mistake too." He accused, and I still didn't know whether I'd meant that or not.
"Yeah, but... can we just go somewhere? Can we just be normal for today, please?" All I wanted in that moment was to be there for my best friend who I knew was going through a hard time.
Chris sighed and looked reluctant, but still asked, "like where?"
I shrugged and then plastered on a sweet smile. "Pizza?"
"Damn it, Jenkins." He grabbed the hoodie jacket off his floor. "You know what I can't say no to."

***

Chris and I sat in the pizza shop eating our separate pizzas.
I sighed to myself as I took another bite. You naive girl. I thought to myself. You honestly thought this would just be a normal day together?
And it definitely wasn't.
We'd walked to the pizza shop engaging in awkward small talk. We'd ordered at separate tills. And we'd ate for the past fifteen minutes in silence.

I looked up at Chris who was staring down at his food, barely eating the pizza.
"Stop looking so miserable, Chris." I tried.
He groaned, grabbing a slice of pizza again and biting a large piece of it. "My life is shit."
"It's not!" I insisted. "Are you coming to the party tonight?"
"Sure. Why not?" Chris shrugged. He didn't seem excited, or like he didn't want to go. He seemed completely indifferent to anything right now, and it was really difficult to see Chris without his usual enthusiasm and wild emotions.
"It'll be fun, yeah?" I tried to encourage, to hopefully get his spirits up.
"Sure." Chris shrugged again.

I felt a dead end with cheering Chris up, and he'd still barely make eye contact with me or hold a conversation.
"Chris, are we definitely okay?" I put down my pizza slice to ask.
And then Chris did meet my eyes, but his expression wasn't hopeful. "I don't know anymore, Cleo." He told me, causing my stomach to feel like it had dropped. I couldn't lose my best friend.
He dropped the crust from the slice of pizza he'd been eating and stood up. "Let's just go to this party."