annabel lee [spencer reid]

chapter xxi

Warning: Mentions of death/depression, Angst

December 2, 2015
"Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark."

Spencer can't lie and say it doesn't hurt any less than when it happened three years ago today. He thought because of how well everything was going, the uncontrollable feelings of guilt and agony would finally pass him. But one visit to the cemetery, and here he is cowering under a pile of blankets, sobbing.

Memories flash through his head like a strobe light- hearing the deep voice repeat the word "zugzwang" through the payphone, locking eyes with Maeve for the first time, and hearing that single gunshot echo through the walls.

Earlier he woke up with a text from JJ: 'Good morning. Hope you're doing well. Call me later when you can, okay?' and opened his front door to a basket full of nuts, fruits and cheeses. He took a guess and hypothesized it to be from no other than Penelope Garcia, to which the note card read "To my favorite genius <3" in hot pink, glitter pen confirmed.

The team knew what day it was. Of course they did. That was the day they thought they lost their boy genius forever, and in a way they did.

But he was getting better. With each passing day, he caught himself smiling more often, found it easier to get out of bed each morning, and even began to socialize with a few of his new co-workers.

Being in an environment where he no longer had to look at images that no one deserves to lay their eyes on, and didn't have the fate of multiple lives in the literal palm of his hand is one of the biggest reliefs he's ever felt.

And then there's Kat.

Kat is all of the good things of the people he loves and loved most in his life, rolled up into a 5'3 ball of light.

But his mind is like a black hole, and everyone knows what happens to light when it gets too close to the dark mass.

It felt like anyone he got near was hurt. And he knows that if anything happened to Kat, he could never live with himself ever again.

She deserves the world, and he knows he can't give that to her.

He doesn't know exactly how long he's been laying in bed. He's tried to get some sleep, hoping it'll help make him feel better, but every time he shuts his eyes, the images appear much more vivid. Time seems to be moving by so slowly. He estimates it to be about 7:30 when he hears the front door lock unlatch.

He immediately narrows it down to two possibilities as to who just entered. But because of the incredibly low probability of being broken into, he assumes it's safe to say it's only his beloved.

He cowers deeper into the depths of the covers, not wanting to face her in his current state.

The sound of her shoes tapping against the hardwood floor grow louder, sending him deeper into the safety of his makeshift sanctuary.

"Spencer?"

He lets out a shaky sigh, before calling back out for her. He hasn't spoken a word all day, yet the raspiness of his voice still catches him off guard.

"Is everything okay?" He peaks from under the sheets and like a bomb, he feels guilt explode in his chest seeing her entire face flood with worry. "I thought something happened to you."

"No, nothing happened." She eyes the spot next to him, silently asking permission to slip in. He subconsciously opens his arms, allowing her to sink beside him into his queen bed.

"It doesn't look like 'nothing happened'."

Spencer rarely feels like he could confide in anyone- he and Kat are alike in that way. Yet there was always something about her that made him want to open up to her.

"Some people just aren't made to be happy."
He flinches at the feeling of her small hand run through his hair, but quickly melts into her touch.

"Where's this all coming from?"

Spencer takes a quivering breath. "Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to deal with myself, with this life I live." He chokes out, before taking refuge in the crook of her neck.

Getting the signal that he doesn't want to talk, she resumes playing with his tousled curls. 
"I don't think I've ever told you this but I was actually waitlisted at Georgetown. Both my parents and grandparents came here for law school, so I was always expected to go here, too. When I found out about the waitlist, I cried for an entire week, because who actually gets off the waitlist. I eventually got over it and committed to USC in California which, thank god, was one of my other top schools. I think it was July when I got an email back from Georgetown saying I was admitted. But I already had my roommates, my mom already laid down a payment for tuition, and I was going to move in within the next month, and deep down, I was secretly hoping I'd somehow find and reconnect with my dad and aunt, so I decided to stick with USC." Between her tender touches, comforting voice, and the familiar scent of lavender with a hint of coffee, is enough to stabilize his breathing.

"The night before I was supposed to rescind my acceptance, I had a dream I was stuck in this large white room with my dad. He kept asking me, 'Kat, what are you doing? Kat, what are you doing?' over and over and when I woke up, something inside of me was telling me that I was making the wrong choice." The thought of her all the way across the country, of never knowing her, and of someone else's hands on her suddenly bursts through his head. He feels his breaths once again begin to accelerate, but Kat's quick to pull him in closer to her, and whispers a soft "I got you, it's okay". She lets him calm back down, using the feeling of her steady heart beat, before resuming with her words.

"I know you're a man of science and don't believe in fate, but I can't explain what happened. I always think and try to figure out how and why I had that dream, and everyday, I realize more and more why I ended up here. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the universe works in mysterious ways. You've gone through so much, more than a person should in their lifetime. You got through all of that shit the world decided to throw at you, and it lead you here. To me, this job that you've told me you love so many times, your BAU friends you always boast about. I know the thoughts in that brain of yours can get pretty overwhelming and try and tell you otherwise, but you're more than worthy of everything great that's happened to you. Don't ever convince yourself that you're not deserving of happiness, okay?"

While her words eased him and hushed the screaming voice in his head to a whisper, the sound of a sniff and one look into her misty eyes, and the guilt flows back inside.

"I'm sorry." He quickly blurts. "You should be out with your friends, enjoying your peak years. Not stuck here, cheering your sad excuse of a boyfriend up."

Kat shakes her head. "I'd choose to hang out with you any day, old man." The nickname catches him off guard, but makes him smile for the first time of the day. "But seriously, don't ever apologize for having a bad day."

He nods before burying himself into her chest.

"It's going to be okay, Spencer." And for once, he actually believes that it is.

Author's Note
Hi my loves! I know I promised this chapter almost a whole month ago, and I'm so sorry about the delay. I'm at a point in my life where a lot of changes are approaching and I'm trying my best to tackle everything I need in order to prepare myself for that.
I'm going to try and update as often and fast as I can, but also please be patient with me.
On that note, I hope you enjoyed the chapter <3