AFTER YOU SAVED ME // ZESSA

Chapter 8: Confessions

"Can we talk?" I ask Zed, after we finish our mostly silent dinner of pizza and garlic bread. I brought it over as a peace offering. We haven't talked much or seen each other since yesterday, after my mother left. I have not had the courage to tell him I'd be leaving for the summer, plus I needed to calm down and recover from the shock of it all before I did.

Looking up at me quizzically and putting down his pizza crust, he nods.

"Can we go to your room?" I ask carefully, airing on the side of caution.

He reluctantly gets up, looking slightly panicked as he follows me into his room. Tyler is not here tonight – still enamored by one of the girls he met in the Greece room at the Around the World Party two months ago.

I shake the memories of that night from my head and sit on the edge of the large bed. Zed sits next to me, his eyes haunted by the inner anxiety I have caused him as he waits for me to speak.

Grabbing his warm hand, I swallow hard as I look deeply into his eyes.

"You know I love you, Zed. And you know I've been plagued by what to do about this pregnancy..." I trail off, searching for the right words.

"Yes. I know, Tessa," he answers, squeezing my hand between both of his. "And you know I'm here for you. I am sorry for the other day. I am. I should have given you more space, or –"

"No. I'm sorry. You were just trying to support me, and I took my own inner battles out on you. But that's not what I wanted to talk about," I say, looking away and biting the inside of my cheek.

"Okay," he answers.

I try to find the words, my eyes scanning the room as my thoughts race in my mind. How do I tell him I'm leaving?

"Talk to me," he pleads, his voice breathy as he lightly takes my face between his large hands, turning me back to face him.

I feel the tears forming in my eyes and stare up at the bright, white light above his bed. I watch as the wooden ceiling fan spins rapidly, round and round, the light breeze cooling off my hot cheeks. Zed likes the room cold and for once I am grateful for the cool relief.

"Tessa. You're scaring me," Zed whispers, as I look back down to see his jaw tense.

"I've decided... to have the baby," I gulp. "But I don't want to keep it, you know, forever – unless it's yours."

"Oh," he says, letting out a huge breath as a slow smile returns to his face. "Well, that's – that's great news. I am happy if you are. We will figure this out," he smiles, leaning in for a kiss.

"That's not all," I blurt out, his lips inches from mine as he pulls back, dropping his hands slowly.

"Ok. Well, what else?" he asks, as worried lines form between his brows.

"You know how I saw my mother? Well, we did not just discuss the baby. We discussed... paying for it," I say gently.

"I'm more than happy to pay for this child, Tessa. You know that. Especially since I found out I can work in the lab all summer. I can save up a bit for the baby, and for you –"

"You what? You're going to be here all summer, then?" I ask, thrown off by this new information.

"Well, yes. Wasn't that the plan a month or so ago? I mean, we never really solidified anything, but I thought we could –" he explains, motioning with his hands before I cut him off.

"I can't. I cannot – stay here. This summer. With you..." I confess, trying to avoid eye contact. I know if I look at his face I will fall apart instantly.

"What? Why?" he asks, flinching back furth onto the bed, his long hair falling into his face.

"Because" I answer, my voice cracking as I bite down even harder on the inside of my cheek. "Because we don't have the money," I sniffle, crossing my arms and squeezing them to my chest, trying to keep it together. "And my mom offered to let me stay with her for free."

"Your mother's house four hours from campus?" Zed asks in a sharp tone.

I nod, still looking away as a single tear escapes down the bridge of my nose. I wipe it away quickly but know Zed has seen it.

"I see this upsets you, Tessa. Tessa would you look at me?" Zed demands, raising his voice slightly as I feel the weight of the bed shift and his body more closer to mine.

"I can't," I cry, shaking my head.

"Why not?" he asks frustratedly, his voice strained.

"Because if I do, I won't go," I confess, finally turning to see him.

His glossy eyes look deep into mine as I feel the looming sobs in my chest build. His brown eyes sparkle as the light from the fan above us plays against them like the flame of a candle.

"I don't want to leave you Zed, but my mother is right. We can't afford this right now," I exhale, my voice shaking as a light sob escapes my throat.

"I can work more," Zed urges, his breathing picking up as his eyes dart around the room. "I mean, how much more do we need? I can swing a couple hundred a month – maybe" he says, pulling at his neck as he stares off somewhere behind me.

"I did the math Zed – we would need about an extra $600 – a month. We cannot do that as students with all our other expenses. Which is why I cannot stay here and pay rent this summer," I elaborate, placing a hand on his face, the scruff of his 5 o'clock shadow rough against my palm.

"Stay with me!" he exclaims, as if he has just had a brilliant idea. "You can stay here. I won't charge you anything, I'll put in more hours. Maybe you could work part time from home. We can do this Tessa. Please, just stay," he pleads, resting both hands on the sides of my face and urging me closer.

"I wish I could. And I love you for wanting me to stay this badly. But it would be best for both of us if I stay home. You can still save up. And I can see the best doctors, instead of the campus ones. And we could see each other on weekends," I answer, smiling sadly at him as the tears stream down my face and onto his hands.

He brushes them away with the tip of his thumb, barely nodding as I see the realization on his face that this is for the best.

"And that's the only reason?" he asks, looking down as I see the veins in his neck pulse slightly.

"Of course, what other reason would there be?" I ask confused.

He turns further away, his jaw tense and lips a hard line. "I could think of one..." he whispers.

"What do you...no. You don't mean..." I say, taken aback and dropping my hands.

"I don't know. You haven't been the same since you saw him," he admits, his expression blank.

I open my mouth, but no words come out. I want to tell him he is crazy. Mad to think I would ever leave him for Hardin. I want to scream at him for even suggesting it and leave him here while I fume somewhere else.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, deciding against it. Zed is right. Seeing Hardin again did affect me, but I could never go back to him over Zed. I love Zed. I am in love with Zed. Though I care for Hardin and want him to find happiness, Zed is my life.

"Zed," I say softly, brushing his cheek with the palm of my hand, grazing his lips with my fingers. "I would never go back to him. I know I have lost your trust in the past, but I swear. I love you. I want a life with you. Hell, I want a family with you," I say with a trembling voice, my free hand instinctively landing on my belly.

I watch Zed's eyes frantically scan my face, wondering if I should be trusted.

"I promise," I smile, trying to convince him of what I already am sure of.

However, Zed doesn't say anything back, and for a moment, I'm worried he might not believe me after all.