AFTER YOU SAVED ME // ZESSA

Chapter 13: The Appointment

Following the behind my mother down the road, I go over mine and Hardin's conversation. 

On one hand, I am thrilled he's finally gotten the help he has always needed – which is a surprise considering he is maybe the most stubborn person I've ever known. What is even more surprising however, is the fact that he apologized for everything that happened last school year. And he even seemed genuine about it, not blaming me for any of it.

But on the other hand, I cannot help but be annoyed that he has chosen to stay with...Molly. How could his family ever let him near her? I mean, maybe they do not know her that well and assume she is going to help Hardin. But I mean come on – it's Molly. Molly the hoe who parties 4 days a week and thinks she is a frat boy man child. How can Hardin be successful in recovery with that type of influence around?

A gnawing thought floats to my mind as I come to a red light behind the Uhaul truck.

Is that really the only reason you're annoyed Tessa?

Turning down the main road in the next town over, I let the question sink in. Is that the only reason? I mean I will be the first to admit that I want the best for Hardin – despite everything he has put me through. I want him to recover and thrive and have a life that means something, instead of getting drunk and high all the time, throwing away the potential I know he has within him.

Don't you think there's something more? Like the fact that you still love him, the voice asks.

I bite my lip so hard I nearly draw blood. I do not love Hardin. I mean I care for him, but I don't love him – anymore.

You sure? Clearly there is a part of my brain that is not convinced.

Ignoring that thought, I focus on my destination and pull into the business area parking lot next to my mother.

Getting out and locking my car doors, I make my way to the front of my doctor's office while my mom climbs down from the large truck. It was on the way to campus, so we planned our appointment with my move back to school to make things easier for my mom's "very busy schedule" as she likes to call it.

"You ready, Tessa?" my mother asks cautiously, meeting me by the door and opening it for me politely.

"More than ready," I answer, walking in confidently, the pain in my ankles almost nonexistent with the amount of adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I feel my heartbeat as I approach the front desk and sign in, taking a seat in the waiting area as my mom nervously taps her fingers on the old wooden arm of the chair.

I let out a huff of air, growing more anxious as the minutes pass. "I wish Zed could have come," I whisper mostly to myself.

"He has obligations too, Theresa. Just be glad I could even make it," she snips back, tapping her fingers even louder.

Rolling my eyes, I slump in the chair and play with the loose strand of thread at the seam of my t-shirt. I almost didn't notice it, my bump hiding my view of my shirt bottom these days.

I know I said I was ready, but now I am not so sure. Now that the moment has arrived, I'm growing more and more nervous.

In a couple weeks, I'll know the biological father of this baby – I just need to get this blood test out of the way. Zed already sent in his sample earlier this week from the school's med lab, and now my doctor just has to send mine off for comparison once it's done. I guess the baby's DNA is floating around my blood or something, which I find kind of mind boggling.

"Theresa Young," a middle-aged nurse shouts from the open door behind me.

I jolt up from my seat, almost losing my balance as the blood rushes from my face.

"Woah, Tessa, take it easy, honey," my mother coos, grabbing my arm and leading me to the nurse. I'm slightly embarrassed by my sudden frailness but am too focused on this blood test to care.

"That actually happens more than you would think," the nurse smiles. "You can head down the hall to exam room 7," she says, pointing to the numbered door on the left.

"Thank you," my mother and I say simultaneously.

After getting to the exam room, the nurse instructs me to remove my top and put on a paper gown so the doctor can take an ultrasound of my belly. Then after that is finished, we can do the blood test.

Once I have awkwardly undressed, my mother facing the wall, all there is left to do is wait.

"They'll probably be able to see the gender, Tessa," my mom says aloud, smiling. "Do you want to know?" she asks, her eyes wide and hopeful.

I honestly had not given it much thought, not wanting to get too attached to this baby at all until I knew who the biological father was.

"I don't know mom. Maybe not," I answer, picking at the skin on my thumb, the wrinkling of the paper gown echoing around the room as my mother sits in disappointed silence.

Thankfully, there is a knock at the door. Peeking her head in, I see the smiling face of the OBGYN who I had been going to for years: Dr. Weaver. I had cysts on my ovaries as a teenager so saw her frequently until I got them under control.

"Hello, Tessa. How are you?" she asks, taking a seat next to me on that small circle chair you find in every doctor's office.

"Hi Dr. Weaver, I'm... okay," I answer truthfully, returning her smile with my less convincing one.

"Well, that's alright. And how is your pregnancy going?" I notice her long brown pony-tail swings when she talks, her voice and movements always a bit animated on our visits. Maybe she still views me as the child she helped when I was 15.

"I mean, it's okay. I feel nauseated a lot. Still throw up sometimes but it has gotten much better since about... week 13 I believe? I think I feel it sometimes – moving. But I'm not sure because it almost feels like bubbles. Maybe gas bubbles? Oh, also – my back and ankles hurt. They are starting to swell a bit too. I feel like I'm huge," I admit, feeling a bit self-conscious about my new, growing body.

"Those are all normal symptoms, though I would have hoped your nausea would subside by now. Some women just feel sicker. Just like some women put on a bit of weight during pregnancy while others don't as much. Well, let's get this scan out of the way so we can get to your blood test," she says, all while rummaging through a cabinet and turning on the ultrasound machine.

I nod, lifting my gown to expose my protruding abdomen.

"Oh, and would you like to know the gender?" she asks, pausing her search to turn around briefly.

"No," I blurt out, much to my mother's obvious displeasure.

"Okay, no problem. Ah – here it is," she exclaims, grabbing what looks like a tube of jelly or ointment.

"This might be a little cold," she warns, before opening the tube and squeezing its clear contents on my belly.

I tighten my stomach muscles, the abrupt freezing sensation of the jelly causing me to shiver for a moment.

Once she applies the ultrasound probe and rubs in around my stomach, the freezing sensation subsides and I am able to relax.

"Let's see, oh – there's the heartbeat!" she says pointing to the screen.

I see a large flickering on the black and white screen but cannot make out anything else. It honestly looks more like a Rorschach test than a baby to me.

"That's wonderful," my mom chirps, her eyes glazing over with tears as she grabs my hand. I wish I were as excited as she is, but still cannot bring myself to get attached.

"Hmm," my doctor says, rolling over the same area of my skin. I watch her face change from content to curious. Then to... worry. Her eyebrows furrow as a V forms between them. And the wrinkles on her forehead become more pronounced as she purses her lips.

"Something wrong?" my mom asks, her smile fading.

"Just a moment," my doctor replies, now sweeping over the whole of my abdomen, before returning to that same patch of skin her probe focused on before.

"Tessa, I have some difficult news for you regarding the baby," she says, turning the screen.