A Beautiful Mess.

38.

Friday.

It was raining non stop last night and this morning the weather was gloomy. And somehow my mood seemed to match the weather, gloomy. In fact the mood of the entire house was gloomy.

"Bring an umbrella, it might rain during the day" Sindi said from in the lounge. She was up hours before I was and judging from all the tossing and turning she was doing last night she didn't sleep. I didn't sleep either. I mean how could I. There was just this aching feeling in my chest the entire time. A feeling I feared would follow me the entire day.

I sat in my room and took in its entire feel. I stared at the walls, these unfinished walls, and I took a look at the box on my lap. I looked through the pictures and the rest of the contents one more time in an attempt to feel less alone, less like an orphan because technically I was one. I came across the watch again and I stared at it in admiration. I looked at the initials one last time and then put the watch on. It looked good around my wrist. Complimenting me as much as it complimented my mother in her photos. I stood up to look at myself in the mirror and looked at just how pale I was.

Ma wouldn't like to see you like this...

I looked at myself again and saw the many features I had taken from her like my eyes, my nose and of course my smile. Almost everything about me was her but then were my ears and my fingers that didn't look anything like hers or the most notable feature, my hair which was nothing like my mother's. My hair was more on the browner side than my mother's black. My mother's hair was thicker and had more volume and it's thickness would often be a challenge when it came to combing it. I mean I thought my hair had a mind of its own but my mother's was a whole different story. Maybe that's why she was able to handle my bad hair days because they weren't as hectic as hers. Then there's that nut allergy I have. My mother didn't have any allergies at all.

I remember the day we found out about it. I was still in crèche at that time. My mother was called in after I had a slice of cake from a birthday cake that had nuts in it and I couldn't breath all of a sudden. I mean even though it's unlikely that I possibly inherited it from one of my parents it's still a possibility. Then finally there's the personality. Many traits of my personality are exactly from my mother but traits such as my competitiveness weren't from her at all. Maybe it's just me but a part of me wants to believe there's another side to this.

All of these things were what made me a product of my parents, well that and of course my own upbringing. My mother played a really good job at being both a mom and dad to me. I wish I was able to thank her.

I decided to go to school with the watch on. Somehow it made me feel a bit closer to her like she was here with me. I took a deep breath and headed into the lounge where Sindi was watching tv still in her pjs.

"Should I take the bus?" I asked her and she nodded. She blankly looked at the tv and it looked like she had been crying. I knew exactly how she felt but unlike me Sindi was never afraid to hide her emotions. I gave Sindi a huge hug just to make both her and I feel better and told her that it would be okay and that we were in this together.

"I was thinking we go out for dinner later" she said and I nodded before giving her a hug goodbye. "You sure you're going to be okay?" She asked me.

"Ya, I'll be fine" I smiled and then left. Today was not going to be an easy day for any of us but we would just have to be strong.

***

We were in history and Mrs Dladla gave us an activity that we needed to complete. I slide earphones through my sleeve again and listened to music while getting the work done just to get my mind off things. I didn't want to get caught up in my own head so I needed something to distract me.

Today wasn't easy at all and I tried by any means to avoid being around people. All I wanted to do was be alone because I was scared that I would breakdown in front of everyone if I was not careful.

I continuously looked at the time, waiting for the bell to ring, setting me free from this facade I hid behind the whole day and finally allowing myself to feel, to feel without fearing who was watching and letting it all out.

"Senzo, where do you think you're going?" Mrs Dladla asked and I looked up.

"Ma'am there's just something important I need to discuss with my partner" Senzo said while standing in the middle of the class.

"Is your work done?"

"Yes ma'am, you can check if you want"

"Senzo, your assignment is over. What could you possibly want to discuss?"

"The next assignment ma'am, geez what's with the questions today" he said before making his way towards me pulling a chair and sitting in front of me.

"You good? Barely saw you today"

"Ya I just wanted to be alone, that's all."

"You look pale, are you sure you're okay"

"Ya I'm fine, probably low sugar, I'll be okay"

"You sure, I can buy you an energy drink if you need one"

"I'm fine, thank you for your thoughtfulness" I said sincerely and continued with my work while continuously fiddling with my watch.

...

"You're wearing it?" Senzo asked, "The watch?"

"Yeah" I sighed, " Just trying to feel a bit closer to her you know?"

"Hmmm, I feel you" he said and he sat and kept me company till the bell rang and Mrs Dladla dismissed us.

"You aren't rushing home are you, I was thinking we take a walk just to help you get your mind off things or we could go to Rico's for pizza if you want" Senzo offered.

"No thanks, I just want to go home" I said, still in my melancholic tone and started walking towards the gate. I could tell that Senzo was really trying to make me feel better but I needed to be gloomy, just for this one day.

"Okay, I'll let you do you. Can I call you later?" He said and I gave him a nod. "Aight, I'll see you Monday, you feel better okay" he continued and hugged me goodbye before yelling "Aye, Richie, wait up" and leaving in the direction of the soccer field.

I finally reached the gate and took a seat at my usual spot and waited for Sindi to come pick me up.

I had my earphones on and listened to music while I kept busy on my phone, playing a word search game I liked playing whenever I was bored. I was completely in my zone until my earphones got ripped out.

"You piece of trash!"