A Beautiful Mess.

46.

I wanted to run. I wanted to run as far away as possible from as many people as I could. I wanted to be alone and take a second to just breath because it felt as if the air had been kicked right out of me. I ran and went to the nearest park and I was glad that it wasn't too busy. Just a few children here and there playing, minding their own business.

I sat down on a bench and took huge gulps of air as I tried to catch my breath and tried to wipe the tears from eyes but they just kept coming like a flood. My head was spinning and my vision was blurry and I just hoped I wouldn't bump into someone I knew who would see me in this state.

I tried to calm myself down but I just kept chocking on my tears. I took one last look at the watch and looked at the initials at the back.

N. K & N. A. N

I got on my knees and bit my tongue as my cries wanted to grow louder.

"Why Mama? Why did you hide such a thing from me! Why didn't you tell me, maybe...maybe this would've hurt less" I said. I knew nobody was listening but I needed to vent. I needed to talk to my mother. Even if it meant she didn't hear me, I needed to say something. I was tired of keeping quiet.

I sat there and tried to calm myself down and then finally after almost 20 minutes of sitting her alone I found the courage to walk back to the cafe.

I was a mess. My hair was untidy and my body was full of dust. The tears had dried on my face and my eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. When I got there I found Mr. Ndamase still there waiting. I tried to ignore him and walked right passed him, took my bags and walked right passed him again. But each time I walked passed him I felt something heavy in my chest.

"Melo!" He stopped me while I was on my way out and even though I was hesitant I turned to face him. "I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry" he said and he looked like he had been crying too.

"Leave me alone" I said before walking right out and heading home.

When I got home Sindi was already home and was busy with something on her laptop. I walked right passed her and marched straight into my room, slamming the door behind me.

"Woah, Melo what's wrong?" She said from the other side of the door before opening it. I took my mother's box and started throwing everything out of it in anger. I was so angry I was furious. I was angry at the world, I was angry at my mom and now I was angry at my dad, Mr. Ndamase. All of this was so confusing and made no sense to me. So all this time Nonhle wasn't his daughter?

"Melo, stop it, what are you doing?!" She yelled and tried to stop me from throwing everything out.

"Sindi leave me alone" I said and continued and I threw the book she had in there out when an envelope fell out of it. The envelope landed at the corner of the room and I stood up to go fetch it and I was shocked to find that it had my name on it. Unlike all the other envelopes with my mother's letters to herself this one was for me. She wrote a letter for me?

I sat down on my bed in the midst of the mess that I made and I tried to get myself to open it. I was very hesitant but Sindi kept persuading me to open it. I took a deep breath and gently ripped the envelope open and took the letter that it contained out.

It read...

Melokuhle, my dear

I know that if you're reading this it means I finally got the courage to tell you the truth, the truth that you're entitled to. I've contemplated about this moment for years, never knowing how I'd tell you this. I've rehearsed so many conversations in my head but still not getting the right words. I knew that sooner or later you'd want to know the truth about your father, as you should but I fear that if you do find out who he is then you'd get hurt and I don't want that for you. I guess that's the reason why I never wanted you to meet him in the first place. Your father is a good man and you have so many attributes that remind me of him, like your go getter attitude, the way you carry yourself and of course your nut allergy which you inherited from him. There's so much of him in you and I knew that sooner or later you'd figure it out.
I want you to know that your father exists and he knows about you, he knows that you exist but I've given him explicit instructions to rather stay away from you for your own good. I know that somehow God will bring you two together when the time is right . When that day comes please don't be too hard on him, it's not his fault. Listen to each other. Hear what the other person has to say. I know a relationship won't be formed overnight but when a relationship comes to bloom I want you guys to communicate and not be afraid to voice how you feel. Be good my baby. I love you more than words can describe...please find it in your heart to forgive me for keeping the one person who was supposed to be your first love away from you and I hope it won't be too late for him to at least be your hero.

Love Mama...

I didn't know how I felt after reading this letter. I couldn't feel at all. It was as if every part of me went numb and I was slowly switching off. I took time to really digest this letter. It was all too much and it was going to take a lot of time to do what she asked me to do. This was truly a hard pill to swallow and just when I thought my life had a dark cloud hanging over it, it went completely off its axis and I lost all control.

I looked at the letter one last time, making sure I understood every word correctly.

I need time Mama...this is all too much for me.