it started with a follow

24

november 18, 2018

billie

vanity fair.

do you feel pressure?

i listen as they play a recording of me from a year ago answering. 'nah'

billie: yes

i break out into laughter, trying to not be serious with a question like this.

billie: yeah.

interviewer: explain

billie: it's the kind of pressure that's like it hits me and then i don't care. everybody drop dead right now and i didn't.. i would be left with what i had created for myself. and what the hell would the point be if i was just creating something that somebody else wanted me to create that i had no say in. and then that person died, and everybody else died and nobody mattered except me. i'm stuck with the shit i didn't want in the first place that's trash.

are you handling it well?

i chuckle to myself

billie: no i'm handling the pressure horribly but i just keep it to myself. all the time. except my wall i write everything on my wall so if you go in my room and look at my wall..

i suck in a deep breath.

billie: just- yeah.

do you have a boyfriend?

my heart skips a beat as they play the recording from last year. 'no. i don't like dating. at all i don't like the idea of oh this is my person and i only share time with this person nnonononono. noooo thank you!'

billie: nah, i do have a girlfriend thooooough

interviewer: really?

billie: mhm, she's over there

i smile widely while nodding over at maddie who was standing with my mom and finneas. the interview continues as we go through the recordings and answer the questions. my mom walks in and hugs me from behind then kisses my head and after all that fluffy shit we get ready to leave. i grab madison's hand and interlock our fingers

billie: ready to go mamas?

madison: mhmmmm

we go to my car and i drive us back to my place.

madison: bil?

billie: yo

madison: i want you to start opening up to me

billie: huh?

madison: you said you write everything on your wall. stop that and start talking to me whenever you need to

billie: thanks ma but i'm good-

madison: bil

billie: let it go. it ain't worth it.

we get home and get out of the car

madison

we walk inside and billie immediately screams.

billie: OH MY GOOOD DENZEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL

i find billie hugging a dude a little over her height, her arms around his neck and his hands gripping the top of her ass. i clench my jaw, just about ready to throw a punch at this guy. i let out my fakest yawn yet and billie looks at me

madison: i'm tired, i think i might head home

billie: but we just got back.. you can sleep in my room