Wildest Dreams

Chapter 28

My shaky hands make it difficult to get open the lock on my door, but I eventually do manage. I drop my bag and jacket carelessly by my door on my way into my apartment.

I walk past the kitchen because I am not sure if I will be able to keep down whatever quick, salty meal I would end up making. I go straight into my bedroom and after kicking my shoes off and pull off my tie, I flop onto bed, staring at the ceiling. I unbutton my shirt, but I don't bother to take it off seeing as the night's air would be too cold on my bare skin.

I roll onto my front and shimmy up the bed so I can bury my face into my matted down pillow. I nuzzle the well-worn fabric and breathe deeply. It smells like home, but it doesn't smell like her.

Y/n.

I need to see her again. I need to hold her in my arms one last time, to feel her hair between my fingers, to wear the stains of her lipstick, just in case I never see her again.

I shut my eyes tightly and try to lay perfectly still. I keep the image of her at the front of my mind, but I can't help the distracting thoughts to creep in.

I try to sort through the clutter in my head. There are pieces of a song I vaguely remember hearing on the drive over, ideas about breakfast tomorrow morning, what exact location my toothbrush is in right now. None of these are going to help me see her.

I try to focus on her face to drown out the other noise. The bridge of her nose, her plush lips, her bright smile, her gentle eyes.

I should know by now that the only way to fall asleep is to be tired, but I am only mentally exhausted.

I get up to make myself a cup of decaf tea and I pick out a book; one that I should be able to finish in one sitting. I sit in my overstuffed armchair that rests between my bookcases and switch on my lamp.

The light casts a golden glow over the pages, which has a calming effect on my tired mind. My eyes dart over the pages, but I decide to read slightly slower than I usually would.

I mostly read for information, and in my line of work, there is little time to spare. Here, in my small library in my home, I have all the time in the world.

The only thing that could make this better is Y/n by my side.

Maybe I am a fool to create a fantasy world where I get to live with the woman of my dreams, but I am alone with no one to judge me.

I imagine that she is laying on her belly on the floor, her head resting on the fuzzy throw pillow that usually rests on this chair. She has a half-full cup of coffee sitting next to her that has been abandoned.

She listens as I read to her, quiet enough that she would be able to fall asleep to my voice if she chooses.

"'Cause, baby, I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me, and every day is like a battle, but every night with us is like a dream", I read aloud.

She would trail her fingers over the skin that is exposed from the bottom of my pant leg, pressing gentle kisses to it as well.

I would reach down with my free hand to twirl her hair around my fingers and lightly scratch at her scalp in a way that I know makes her tingle down to her toes.

She has a roughly-cut diamond ring on her left hand, along with a plain band underneath it on the same finger. I look down at my own hand and imagine a matching ring.

My wife.

"I love you, Y/n", I say for the first time out loud, despite the fact she is not really with me.

I decide that the best way to work through my thoughts is to tell them to Y/n like she is standing in front of me. That's healthy, right?

I sigh before I begin, "I want to start off by telling you that I am so, so sorry. I tried as hard as I could, but I feel like I am dancing with my hands tied. I am only able to do so much, but I made a promise to you. I... I don't want to let you down by not trying again, but I don't think I have it in me to watch you walk out like that again."

I take a sip of my tea which washes away the thickness that has started to form in my throat as I talk.

"I shouldn't have gotten involved with you. I should have gone home like everyone else and let the decision be left up to the jury, but I became attached. I honestly am not sure what to do now, and that is so fucking scary to me. I have always had a plan for everything, but right now, I just don't know."

I close the book and cringe slightly as I pull my finger out from between the pages. I hate losing my place in good books.

"I wish you were here to-", my sentence is interrupted by a yawn, "to tell me what to do. If you want me there, ask for my help. If you don't... tell me that, too. I'm leaving this up to you, my love."

I know that there isn't anyone listening to me talk. Y/n can't hear me. No magical being is going to answer my questions. I am not a religious man, but even if I were, I wouldn't bother seeking answers for such... insignificant questions.

Insignificant; Y/n isn't insignificant to me. She may have more impact on my life than anyone has before. I wish I could forget her, or at least move on, but I have found myself head over heels for this woman.