Healing (Discontinued)

c h a p t e r • 19

I sighed, my hand traced the raindrops falling on the window of my quiet dorm room as the rain fell heavily, banging on the Earth as if with anger and sadness, just as I was feeling.

I recalled back to two weeks ago, my conversation with Ryder didn't end well. He was terribly upset with me and could barely spare me a glance everytime we crossed paths.

My lack of answers annoyed and angered him quite a lot. Of course, I don't blame him, I would be, too if the roles were to be reversed.

For the past two weeks, he's been nothing but hostile and cold towards me and most likely everyone else, too. The others didn't understand why he was upset but I had a feeling they knew it was because of me.

We knew Ryder's anger better than anyone else. He didn't have much of an anger issue but he when he did get angry, it wasn't very pleasant — though he did have a different type of anger when it was about me. I found out Ryder had abandonment issues and also a mild separation anxiety that he had go to therapy for.

I clenched my jaw and hugged my knees closer to my chest.

I had so many unfinished assignments that I just couldn't bring myself to get it over with. I didn't feel like doing anything especially with my severe headaches and morning sickness which apparently doesn't just happen in the morning.

I've been waking up in the middle of the night to puke my guts out for some reason. I referred to my obstetrician about this and she said it was completely normal and gave me some medication to ease the pain and sickness.

Every once in a while, I would hear Ryder waking up whenever I was throwing up, silently making sure I was alright but ignoring me still. These small things he does, assures me he still cared and I know it's a selfish thing to think but I need something to hang onto.

I tried talking to him a few times but my efforts were useless.

I started crying out of nowhere before scolding myself about how sensitive I was.

"Shut up." I whispered, silencing my cries.

I wiped away my tears and lay on the floor.

I feel shit.

I heard a knock on my door and perked up.

"Come in!" I called out.

The door slowly opened and when I saw it was just Kyle, I slumped and sighed, my face mushed against the floorboard.

"Nice to see you, too." He muttered, closing the door as I heard him sit on the bed.

"What do you want?" I mumbled.

"So, Ryder's still upset?" Kyle asked.

"Obviously." I roll my eyes, turning around to stare out the window.

"How are you holding up?" He asked, awkwardly.

"Oh, I'm fine — Other than the blazing hormones, muscle aches, throwing up everyday, horrible nausea, killer headaches and the extreme food cravings. . ." I trailed off.

Eating has not been easy. Especially with my . . . disorder. . . plus the nausea, I found it hard to eat properly. I have tried. Listening to podcasts made it easier in a way and I really do think I'm getting better. This time without Ryder.

Sure, I still throw up everything that I eat but that isn't my fault, I'm not doing that on purpose. Do I still feel guilty when I eat? Yes, but we don't need to talk about that. I take medication to stop the nausea and throwing up so that's a good sign?

"That sounds horrible." He grimaced.

I glared at him. "What do you want?"

"What? I can't check up on my sister, now?" He said, offended.

I roll my eyes and gave him a questioning stare.

"Okay, fine. I want to propose to Sam."

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

"You're not messing with me, right?" I drawled questioningly.

"You aren't happy?" He frowned.

"No! No, I am happy but. . . we're only in college, don't you think it's a little too early?" I worried.

"No? We've been dating for two years already." He says. "And our anniversary is coming up so I figured, why not?"

"Have you actually thought this true, Kyle?" I asked. "Have you ever asked Sam if she wanted to get married early?"

"That's why, I'm here. You're her bestfriend. Don't you know?" He asked and I gave him an 'are you serious' look.

I sighed. "Sam used to say she would never get married or have children because it would cause too much stress, wrinkles, money and shorten her life span."

He pursed his lips. "Yeah, but that was before she started dating me. . ."

"Oh, please. You flatter yourself way too much. You know what I think you should do?" I say.

"Uh . . ."

"You should get her a promise ring first." I say.

"But I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. I'm ready." He argued.

"But is she?" I questioned.

He pursed his lips again, something he does when he's in deep thought or when he doesn't know what to say.

"Ah, fuck." He sighed.

I raised my eyebrows and widened my eyes sarcastically. "Yeah."

"Yeah, I'll get her a promise ring." He nodded to himself. "Then, we can bring up marriage."

"No, Kyle — that's not what I meant." I sighed, slapping my forehead.

"Why not?"

"Oh, c'mon. In your two years of dating, have you never discussed marriage? Ever?" I asked.

"Well . . ." He thought deeply. "No, I don't think so."

Ryder and I, did.

"You know what, I'll ask her about it. Now, leave me alone or go buy me chocolate." I said.

"Yeah, whatever. Also, before I leave, you should really patch things up with Ryder. You know, since we're going home next week and you have to tell mom and dad and Ryder's parents."

"Right." I muttered.

"Do you still want the chocolate?" He asked and I thought about it.

Do I really need those extra calories?

"No, it's fine." I say and he nodded before leaving.

I sighed resting the side of my face on the floor again.

"I hate it here." I muttered.

Should I see my therapist again?

I pursed my lips.

It's for the baby . . . it would be good for the baby.

I heard the door open and then heard footsteps approach my door, pausing just in front of it before retreating and fading away.

I sighed again and took out my phone to scroll on TikTok for hours.

_____

A/n: it's really short. sorry :(