Rose Petal (ongoing)

Chapter 17

'Cause I was sent to warn you, the devil's right beside you

**

After pulling into my driveway, Gabriel put the car in park and got out. Damien held onto me when I tried to get out of the back seat.

"Little one, you're coming to stay with us. Gabriel is going inside to grab some of your personal items that you need," he said matter-of-factly in his 'I don't want to hear any argument from you' tone of voice. 

I had no intention of arguing with anyone today, especially these two. I was worthless, useless, a burden to my family and these two men who didn't know me or owe me anything. I didn't deserve to breathe the same air as them. I thought about what my life had become. What would my mother think of me if she were here? Would she be ashamed of me too? No, she would always love me no matter what, I thought. At least I hoped. I suddenly had the sad thought that I wished I would've just died when I was shot. It would make so many peoples' lives better. No one needed me. I set it in my mind that once I killed Alejandro, I'd rid this world of another pest, another burden, another nuisance, me.  I haven't felt this feeling in so long. The feeling of wanting to end things hasn't crossed my mind nearly as much as it did years ago. I was typically on top of my game and unafraid, but the way my father beat my spirits literally and figuratively, it brought all the guilt, shame and feelings of sadness to the surface that I had been suppressing for years. 

Sighing, I looked out the window, waiting for Gabriel to return, acutely aware of the man sitting next to me, watching me, judging me, realizing how much of a waste of time I actually am. They both deserved someone that made them happy, who was worthy of their time, worthy of who they are as strong, wealthy, powerful men in this country. I was not that person. I was literally dirt beneath their feet. 

It didn't matter who my family was. I was nothing. 

As I sat in self-loathing, I watched Gabriel come out of my front door carrying three large bags of items. How long did they expect me to stay with them?

After putting them in the trunk, he climbed back into the driver seat and glanced at me and then looked at Damien. They had no need for actual language when they could speak to each other through their facial expressions and their eyes. I glanced at them both momentarily before staring out the window into nothingness, willing the world to implode and engulf me in its flames. 

We arrive at their home a little while later and I climb out slowly, steadying myself. The pain isn't as unbearable on the outside as my souls pain on the inside. I look at them both as they stare at me, nervously. I give them a small fake smile before following them into the house. I don't say anything as I head toward the room that I had been staying in. Locking the door behind me I crawl into the bed and pull my phone out of my pocket, looking for any music to deaden my thoughts. 

The sounds of waves crashing and guitar playing pauses my scrolling as I heard Drown. 

I quietly sing along to the lyrics. 

Ebb and flow, the sea is cold, but my blood comes to boil

I feel it filling up my lungs, the weight pulls me to soil

Current takes me, breath escapes me, inducing coma sleep 

Close my eyes, I'm paralyzed, finally at peace...

I roll over and continue singing as I close my eyes, hoping to be paralyzed and finally at peace.