PA- S.R

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Panic attacks. You used to get them as a child and normally your mom would help you through them. After moving away and working yourself up into the FBI you thought you were fine. You stopped having them because you kept your mind distracted.

That all went out the window after this particular case.

Children involved in cases always affected you. The unsub this week would lock the children underground in a chamber. The chambers of hell you would rather call it.

There they were chained, starved, abused, everything. You found the last boy and had him in your arms, you had him. But when you looked down you saw his ghostly face go limp. It was too late. Maybe if you moved faster or profiled quicker you could've gotten to him.

After the jet landed you rushed to the bathroom. You looked into the mirror and saw the boy in your arms. How was that possible? You looked down and saw your hands were shaking.

Not now.

The panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in your abdomen. Tension grew in your face and limbs at the sudden realization dawning in you. Your mind replayed the last attack. Your breathing became more rapid, more shallow. In these moments, before your personal hurricane, you had someone. In this isolated bathroom you had no one.

Your heart raced as you tried to grip the bathroom counter. You needed to feel something to know this was real. In a matter of seconds you were curled right into a fetal position against the cold bathroom wall, the germs that lingered the last problem in your mind.

Someone from the other side of the door softly knocked. They asked if you were okay but you couldn't bring your lips together to form an answer.

Spencer slowly pushed the door open and saw you curled into a ball. Your only movement was the trembling of your limbs and salty tears streaming down and darkening your pants.

Spencer knew about panic attacks. He went through all the possible reasons. Major life stress, death or serious illness, a traumatic event, a traumatic event! He saw how you reacted after he had to pry the lifeless boy from your arms.

He couldn't bear to see you like this. If you were in pain he would want you to tell him. He didn't want you wandering off alone to the bathroom. No one should do this alone.

He knelt down and placed his hand on your shoulder. Normally he'd ask to touch you but he knew it was okay. You hadn't even noticed he walked in.

"I'm here y/n, it's okay." He started rubbing your arm. "Just breathe. In and out." He demonstrated and you slowly tried to follow. "Good, good. Now, can we do it together?"

You tightened your grip around your legs and tried to nod. Your chin trembled and tears streamed down your cheeks.

"We can get some fresh air. Or do you want something to eat? Drink? I can get you some tea. Whatever you need, just let me know please."

You took deep breaths in and out like Spencer showed you. He made you feel better. His voice was soothing and made you feel safe, like nothing could hurt you in this small bathroom.

"I'm here sweetheart. I'll always be. I-I mean i-if you want me to leave I can." He stuttered. He didn't know if he was making things worse or if he was actually helping.

He wanted to hug you and let you relax in his arms but he wasn't sure if that would make the room and world close in on you. He opted on kneeling there for as long as you needed.

You let out a breathy laugh. "Please stay." He nodded and sat next to you, leaving a small space between your bodies. Your hand found it's way into his and he squeezed it, letting you know he was there.

He didn't even have to say anything. The simple feeling of his hand in yours let you know you were not doing this alone. You copied the way he told you to breath. In, out. In, out. Until your shaking stopped and your nerves calmed.

He looked over and smiled. You looked at him and he cupped your cheek to wipe your face clean.

"It's okay y/n. I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind." He softly stroked your cheek. "Just come to me, come back to me." You nodded and took another deep breath.

"How about that tea?" He got up and reached his hand out. You grabbed it and he pulled you up. He walked out of the bathroom first and looked around to see if anyone was nearby. He knew you wouldn't want to be seen and crowded around right now.

He walked into the break room and saw Derek and Garcia flirting back and forth over a cup of presumably coffee. He protectively wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you closer.

"Out, everyone out now." He sternly demanded. They stopped chatting and looked over at their colleague.

"Pretty boy, what's-" Garcia elbowed Derek in the rib when she saw your red, puffy face behind Spencer.

"You know what hot stuff? Let's go watch that movie." She flashed him a quick smile and dragged him out of the room, Spencer standing in front of you as they passed.

Once they left, Spencer closed the door and the blinds. He started to make you a mug of tea in comfortable silence after you sat at the small circular table.

He set the hot mug in front of you and sat down. He could see you were still shaking. He moved his hand on top of yours and you made eye contact with him.

You explained how you used to get them whenever you had anxiety around things like tests in school or anything in general. They stopped for awhile so you thought you finally beat them but they were still here.

"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. What you felt was scary, but it is not dangerous." He reassured.

You took a sip of the tea and felt your nerves and emotions calming. Spencer always made you better. He always understood you. He always knew what to say and how to comfort you. And you loved him so much.

_____________________________

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she became a butterfly."

-Barbara Haines Howett

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