Mental Health x Criminal Minds

D- D.M

Depression is the unseen, unheard, silent killer. It's the pain that's too much to cope with, too hard to deal with and so misunderstood. You can't escape it no matter how hard you try, because it follows you around like a black shadow that's on the inside, eating you.

It was like the ocean.

The thing about this ocean, this depression, the thing nobody is ever brave enough to tell you, is that you must learn to swim to shore by yourself. You must find the strength to climb onto the beach no matter how sharp the rocks are or how they cut. You must then learn to stay there and not fall into the comforting familiarity of the salt and the sensation of drowning. You must go through the agony of learning how to walk by yourself.

But if you've been through all that, you are free to find your heaven. You are free to help others find their heaven. You are free to feel happy and become comfortable with that emotion for the rest of your days. But again, no one has a guidebook of how to beat this. Life just doesn't work that way.

People wouldn't understand. They'd most likely say 'just be happy' or 'just don't be sad.' Well thanks. That definitely helps someone who feels nothing.

Your mind is this constant poison that fills your head with venom.

Therapy became an option presented on the table. Although, it was a side dish in your eyes. The main course.... you wouldn't want to speak of.

You wanted to try and talk about it with Derek but how could you explain why you felt this way when you had no clue yourself?

As if on cue, Derek walked through the front door of your beautiful new home. He remodeled this house shortly after proposing. He was a nervous wreck that night. Penelope may of gossiped behind his back, informing you on everything. She said how he asked her multiple times for your ring size, what the perfect setting would be, how he would actually do it.

It was amazing nonetheless. You couldn't ask for anything or anyone else.

"Hey there pretty lady." He had a huge grin plastered on his face as he stepped closer to you, giving you a quick kiss on the lips.

"I missed you." You gave him a fake smile, hoping to find a way of working the topic of depression into the conversation.

"Can we talk?" You moved to the middle of the couch and started to pick at your nails.

"Of course." Derek took off his jacket and placed it on the coat rack.

As he sat down, he saw you messing with your hands in your lap. A nervous habit. He brought his left hand to your right and locked them, looking up to your eyes.

"What do you want to talk about?" You licked your lips before breathing out a soft sigh.

"I want to talk about something that's hard for me to put into words. I just.. it's been going on for a while now. Just-don't be mad!" You quickly added the last part in. Would he of actually got mad? Maybe not but who knows.

"I seem fine but I'm really not." You slowly spoke. "I feel terrible on the inside." He squeezed your hand tighter, reminding you he was still there.

"You're not happy?" You looked down at the rings on your fingers.

"It's not that I'm not happy with you, it's just I'm not happy... with myself? I don't even know how to explain it really. I must sound crazy." You chuckled.

"You're not, okay? You're not wrong for feeling the way you do and no one blames you for it. I'm not going anywhere...and you aren't either. Unless you want space! Do you need space?" He laughed to try and hide his embarrassment.

"No. I need you." If not Derek, who else?

"Okay, then I won't give up on you." He smiled and squeezed your hand again. "I'm sorry you feel the way you're feeling. Do you have any meds you need to take?" You shook your head. "Do you want help, from a professional?" He swallowed the large lump in his throat.

Was that overstepping? Was that the wrong thing to say?

"I was thinking of going to one." You pulled your hand away and twisted the ring on your finger. A promise.

"I can drive you to every session if you want. You're not alone in this fight. I'm never leaving. I'll even take off work." He offered.

"Woah don't do that. You love your job and you're damn good at it." You looked into his soft eyes. "Don't let me drag you down too."

"Sweetheart." He turned your head to face him. "You could never. I've been to hell and back and I'm stable. I'm walking proof!" You chuckled.

"I love you, you know that?"

"That's what this was for right?" You joked, holding up your left hand. He rolled his eyes and kissed you again.

"I know it's hard but will you eat something? I can cook some meals, you'd be surprised." He chuckled.

You ended up nodding. He smiled and kissed your hand before getting up and going to the kitchen. You quickly showered after regaining the courage and changed into one of Derek's big hoodies, joining him in the kitchen. He swatted your hand away when you tried to help him, muttering on about how he was going to take care of you. You couldn't help but let a small laugh escape.

He finished up your favorite meal and you spent the rest of the night explaining to him how you felt. He gave his full support and you eventually got a therapist.

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"The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you're not." -Anonymous