Stiles Stilinski + Derek Hale

post-void

A/N: HAPPY MONDAY!!! This AU is definitely one of my favorites. Come back next Monday for the next update!

Please leave a comment! I love reading them.

"I didn't feel anything," Stiles said, avoiding eye contact with Derek.

They were sitting on the edge of Stiles's bed. Just talking. Everyone thought Stiles had recovered from Void, but Derek knew something was wrong. Stiles didn't look as happy as he did before. The jokes that Stiles told now almost left a bitter taste in Derek's mouth. There was something off.

"Like you were a back seat driver?" Derek asked.

Stiles shook his head, "No. I knew what I was doing," Stiles sighed, "What he was doing. But I didn't care. I knew what I wanted: power, control. And anything -anyone- that got in the way was just damage control. I didn't feel anything."

Derek scooted closer to grab one of Stiles's shaking hands, "We don't have to talk about it."

There was a sharp intake of breath coming from Stiles. He knew that anything he said would change Derek's perception of him. Stiles knew what he did. He remembered everything from Void, no matter how much he tried to repress it.

"I feel guilt. And remorse," Stiles looked into Derek's eyes, "You know that right?"

Derek nodded.

"But no matter how much I try, I still can't feel any guilt from whatever I did as Void. I know I should. But I can't. Not even for what happened to Allison."

Stiles shut his eyes tight, "Sometimes when I'm with Scott, I think he knows. I think he knows that there's a blank look in my eyes when we talk about Allison. I'm sad that she's not here. It hurts me now. But when I think about how she died, how it was my fault, I feel nothing."

"It wasn't your fault," Derek said, "It wasn't you."

"But it WAS me," Stiles pushed, "I killed her. And more people like her.

Stiles laughed a pitiful laugh, "It felt good to know that she was dead. It felt good knowing that with her death, I not only controlled Scott, but I controlled everyone."

Stiles had to force himself to look at the wall instead of the broken expression that was forming on Derek's face.

"I controlled you," Stiles whispered.

And no matter how quiet he'd said it, Stiles knew that Derek's werewolf hearing picked it up with ease. Especially when Stiles felt the bed shift as Derek moved only another inch away.

Stiles expected this. He was the only witness to the destruction that Void left around him. All of his relationships were slowly severing and it wasn't even his fault. It was the beast that left a hollow emptiness inside him. A dark pit inside his chest where warmth and love once occupied.

"Do," Derek said before clearing his throat and trying again, "Do you want us to blame you?"

"Who else is there to blame?"

"Oh, I don't know, the evil Japanese spirit that possessed you?" Derek replied sarcastically; a habit he'd picked up from Stiles himself.

The tension relaxed, leaving the two in complete silence, the only sound being the humming of cicadas.

"Sometimes I feel like he's back," Stiles muttered, interrupting the shroud of quiet, "For a second I feel this hunger for chaos and an itch to fulfill it."

Stiles took in a shaky breath before continuing, "Just like I'm feeling right now."

Derek slowly turned his head to look at Stiles, paying close attention to the way Stiles's honey-colored eyes glazed over and the almost-vibrating shaking of his hands.

"How are you feeling right now?" Derek cautiously asked while simultaneously trying to figure out how to get Stiles to return to him.

"Like I want to kill you," Stiles responded, he caught Derek's gaze and cherished the panic in his eyes. The fear vibrating off of Derek was only making Stiles want more. "Relax," Stiles laughed, "Killing you would be too easy. There'd be no fun in that."

"Would you regret it?" Derek asked.

Stiles let his shoulders drop, feeling defeated, "No."

And, just like that, the Stiles that Derek knew, that the pack knew, came rushing back. Life filled Stiles's eyes and relief flooded his face.

"If I ever try to hurt anyone ever again," Stiles whispered, "I need you to kill me."

"Stiles-"

"No, Derek," Stiles interrupted, grabbing Derek's hand, "I need you to promise that you won't hesitate to kill me if I try to hurt someone."

He put Derek's hand on his heart to feel his heartbeat, even though he knew Derek could just as easily listen to it, "I'll ask Argent if you refuse."

Feeling and hearing no change in Stiles's heartbeat, Derek admitted defeat with a slight nod.

Stiles caved and collapsed into Derek's shoulder with tears threatening to spill from his eyes, "I know I used to feel something for you," Stiles whined, "I loved you. And even though there's a void where that love once was, I know how important you were to me."

Stiles embraced the warmth from Derek wrapping an arm to pull Stiles closer to his chest, "We will get through this."

And even though he knew they wouldn't, Stiles allowed himself to feel like they could. Even if it was just for a split moment.