The Void You Left Behind - [Bakugou x Reader]

Chapter 5 - Pain

Chapter specific warnings - heavy drinking, thoughts of self harm, mentions of blood, minor injury

It had been five weeks since Eijiro had left this world behind and two weeks since you had last spoken to Katsuki. Your life had lost all its meaning. You had lost the only two men that you had ever cared about, all in the span of a few weeks. Losing Eiji had been beyond your control, but losing Katsuki was entirely your fault.

You were too scared to call him because you already knew that he wouldn't want to talk to you. He was a very stubborn person, and he was also someone who held onto grudges, which meant that he would never forgive you. You knew that you had seriously pissed him off and he had every right to ignore you.

Staring down the almost empty wine bottle, you came to realise that whatever it was you were doing, wouldn't solve a damn thing. Even though you knew better, you couldn't help but drown your sorrows in alcohol. You wondered how much further you could sink. You hadn't showered in days, nor had you eaten a proper meal. You were just sitting on the sofa in your underwear, drinking wine and feeling sorry for yourself.

You needed someone to save you from yourself, but you knew that there was nobody left. You had shut out everyone that had tried to help you, and now you were trapped inside this cell that you had built around yourself. The house you had once loved so much, now felt like a prison. Lonely and cold. Haunted by memories that prevented you from moving on.

You felt like the walls around you were shrinking, slowly suffocating you. Every inch of the house was filled with memories of Eijiro, and just looking around was hurting immensely. You couldn't even sleep in the bed you had shared with him. Laying on the mattress without his arms around you felt wrong. The memories of the kisses and cuddles you had shared under those covers were too much for your heart to handle.

You had told yourself that you wanted to welcome the pain and let it roam free, but now you deeply regretted this decision. You wished you could contain the pain, but all that seemed to help was the liquid in the bottle you were clutching in your hand. And even that was just a temporary fix to a problem that you didn't think would ever go away.

No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't stop thinking. There was such a mess in your head, and you were pretty sure that you would never be able to untangle it. You knew that even if you wanted to move on, you would be unable to. You couldn't understand how the world kept on turning. How was it possible that a world without Eijiro was even able to exist?

You were the captain of a sinking ship, trying to navigate your ocean of grief while your hull was rapidly filling with water, threatening to pull you under. Everyone else had left, leaving you alone behind the ship's wheel. And even though you wanted to take the plunge into the icy ocean waters, you couldn't do it. A captain never abandons his post, so you had to hold onto what was left of the sinking ship that was your life. No matter how badly you wanted to let go.

You hugged your own body tightly, wishing it was your husband who was holding you instead. Your mind wandered back to the message that Tamaki had delivered. Eijiro's last words to you. He wished for you to be strong and to be happy. It was easy for him to say, he was gone, and you were the one who was left behind to pick up the pieces.

You wondered what Eijiro would have done if he was in your shoes. Would he be drowning his sorrows in alcohol? Would he let himself go like that? The thought of him being in the same sorry state that you were currently in made you cry. You would never want him to feel this low.

And that's when you realised that the way you were feeling about him, was precisely how he was feeling about you. Just like you wouldn't want to see him in this much pain, he wouldn't want to see you like this either. You understood then that you couldn't hide behind this bottle any longer. You had to at least try to be strong, you owed him that much.