1 (jaylor) wisteria hearts and caged folk songs

chapter fourteen.

She was used to feeling herself fall apart. She was used to feeling her snowglobe crack piece by piece. It was a feeling she'd felt a few too many times before, but still, it caught her off guard. Taylor should have expected it - but she hadn't. And that surprised her. Because usually, she knew exactly what falling apart felt like. She knew that it felt like she was disintegrating into a mess of dusty butterflies, but it didn't feel like that this time. Not at this minute. Which terrified her. She could be falling apart and hardly know at all. How was she supposed to protect herself if she didn't know when she was breaking? She was used to that - but to feel like she was taken back to the place she was when she'd left Adam that day two weeks ago? To feel like she was just a mess of broken pieces that were half glued together? It made her feel cold. It made her feel dark and weary of every corner she could see. It made her scared to look down at her arm, at the bruises on her wrists from where he held her too tightly.

It was as if she'd reached daylight, she'd gotten to the place she'd hoped for, but someone had pulled it all out from beneath her feet. Someone had blown out her match and left her stranded alone in the dark. She felt her legs give way beneath her as she fell to the ground, and felt daylight transcend into darkness. She had been going so well - and it annoyed her that something that Austin had told her, set her back this.
"Taylor," She felt Joe's arms around her, felt him pulling her into his arms. She could feel all of her broken pieces scattering across the room, and there was no hiding them this time. "You're okay, It's all okay."
She wished that she was still in that alcohol-induced happy place, wished that she hadn't hit rock bottom. She sobbed into his chest. "Everything... Everything he said... it's all true." It hurt her to admit it out loud, but she had to get her feelings out there.

Joe pulled away and took her tear-stained cheeks in his hands. She closed her eyes, because looking at the sad look on his face was too painful.
"That's not true, love."
"But it is - because I could've left. I could've waited until security escorted him out, I could've told anyone, but... but I didn't." Her voice was shaking so hard that it hurt her. "Because I was scared... and that's not fair because I always tell people about being strong - yet I was weak and Austin was right. There was a door. There was a door. A perfectly working, perfectly wooden door." She knew the alcohol was making her words all muddled, but she needed to express it all. "There was a door but I chose not to open it."
"No, Taylor. He wasn't even close to being right. He doesn't get what it's like. He may never understand what it's been like for you, so you can't listen to him, okay? Because he doesn't know what you went through, he doesn't know that you couldn't leave. Most people will never, ever get it. And love, whether there was a door, a fence or a gate, iron bars or glass, it's irrelevant. Because whether there was a door or not has absolutely nothing to do with why you didn't leave."
"But... I could've if I wanted to. Doors aren't that hard to open, Joseph. You reach out and you turn the handle, and you push it open - or pull it. I can't remember which way it was. I know how to open a fucking door. But I didn't."

"Taylor. Taylor, love. This isn't about a door, or your abilities to open one. You did open the door, remember? You opened it and you came to me, asking for help. You used the door when you needed to. But this isn't about what way your door opens, what it's made out of, or whether you know how to use it. I know as well as you do that you wanted to leave, but it's never as easy as that." Joe paused, wiping away another tear. "I know that if you felt you could leave, you would've. But you felt like you couldn't leave, and that's exactly what Adam wanted. But Austin doesn't understand that. Taylor, no one understands it as you do." Taylor was shivering. She couldn't tell if it was because of the cold, or because she was so overwhelmed by everything. "Let's get you warm again, love." Joe kissed her gently and helped her stand. Taylor didn't want to leave his side, because right now, he was the only thing that was holding the remaining shattered pieces together. She feared that if he let her go, she might fall apart completely.