Requests

Suspending My Disbelief-or-A Treatise on Polyamorous Relationships

I'm writing this because I received several requests for stories about threesomes. Not just one-off sexual experiences (like the one I just published), but actual polyamorous relationships between three people. I've found the idea to be a definite challenge to my creative process for one simple reason, I don't believe that polyamorous relationships can last in the long term. Writing a romance story with a happy ending where you believe that three characters are going to love each other and stay together forever is outside of my vision of reality.

First, in order to discuss this subject with any degree of intelligence, we must define the term, polyamorous. According to the dictionary, polyamorous means: "characterized by, or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved." And with this definition we encounter my disbelief.

To be fair, on the "yay" side of polyamorous, I am absolutely positive that three or more people could all be sexually satisfied in that relationship. But that is simply because I believe that almost anyone could find sexual gratification with one or more partners of either gender. But enjoying a sexual relationship is very different from maintaining a romantic relationship, as you might have witnessed if you or anyone you know well has ever engaged in a friends-with-benefits or sex-only relationship. In any relationship of that type, rule number one has to be: no romantic love. Because how can you have a purely sexual relationship and allow the other partner to maintain their romantic and/or sexual freedom if you fall in love? In sexual relationships, feelings have a tendency of developing and then you either end your sexual freedom and settle into a romantic relationship OR you break off your sexual relationship and often even lose your friendship because someone has hurt feelings. This does not make for a good long-term investment.

You see, I'm a normal, healthy, intelligent woman with a reasonably active libido. I enjoy sex, and I enjoy being in a supportive, loving relationship (when I am in one). I think rape is wrong and perpetrators of this despicable behavior should be castrated (or otherwise sexually disfigured). I think cheating is wrong and the perpetrators of this despicable behavior are sad, selfish people who will never be able to find love or happiness until they learn what it means to love someone else more than they love themselves. Notice that despite the fact I believe that cheaters are as bad as rapists, I don't advocate castration as a punishment for cheating. Why? Because I think cheaters end up punishing themselves far more heavily than even castration could punish them, and I've been forced to admit that they should be given an opportunity to better themselves and be forgiven. (I don't want to extend the same opportunity to rapists, but it would take too long to discuss all the determinants in what I feel is a rape worthy of castration, so until castration is actually used as the punishment, we'll just say rape = bad.) The reason I bring up both rape and cheating is because the very definition of polyamorous, brings up images in my head of both of those things.

We don't get into romantic relationships in order to have sex, the goal is to make love. You see sex feels good, but you don't make love with just your body, your heart has to be involved. This is what we are hoping for when we talk about a romantic relationship: making love. But since that involves your heart, it can be tricky. Consent in sex is tricky by itself. How can all of the people in a polyamorous relationship be consenting?

Someone who is drunk can't consent to sex. Okay, well, at what point are they too drunk to consent? Does everyone have the exact same level of drunk (a percentage of alcohol in your blood that is exactly the same for everyone) when you can definitely say that this person is not able to consent? Someone who doesn't understand sex cannot consent to sex. How much understanding do we have to agree to in order to consent? What about a person who is in love with the other person and consents to sex believing that the other person is also in love and sex will be a part of their happily ever after? But the other person doesn't feel that way at all, they're just looking for a quick hook-up. So the first person didn't understand this standard of sex, therefore she couldn't give full consent. How do we determine if all parties are understanding the same thing when they have sex? And if we don't have that understanding, can anyone fully consent? If we're going to be discussing consent in those terms, we might have to have a twenty-two page document discussing all the points of consent before we can actually get naked. And I'm sorry, but legalese is not a turn-on for most of us. Ms. Steele and Mr. Grey made it work for them, but let's be real, that's just a movie.

So back to polyamorous. Relationships are complicated. I've been in serious ones and no matter how much I love the other person, I'm not into sharing. I don't want to think about where he's putting his dick when I'm not around. I want to trust that he's keeping it in his pants and waiting for me to get back so we can have fun together. If he doesn't do this, I call it cheating. But if he wanted to have another relationship with another consenting adult and I was either expected to be a part of that or not, I doubt I would be able to do so, even if he asked me beforehand. Me = not consenting! Because aside from pure sexual enjoyment, watching him put his dick in another person would open up a whole can of worms that involves feelings.

Does he love her more than he loves me? Is she better in bed than I am? He says he loves her the same amount, but different. How is that possible? Am I not enough to keep him happy by myself? If they have sex without me is that cheating? Are we growing apart? What if I didn't know what I was getting into and I want to go back to the time before there were additional participants in our relationship? What if I felt pressured to consent to this, but it's not really what I wanted? What if he starts to enjoy his time with her more than he enjoys his time with me? What if I start to enjoy sex with her more than sex with him? How is our relationship going to stay strong if I feel like I am not equally important? Hell with equally important, sometimes I want to be the most important! How do we stay together if I feel like I have to compete with his other woman (or man)? What if I start feeling attracted to a fourth person, does that mean I'm allowed to bring him into our relationship too? When are the boundaries reasonable for everyone? Don't tell me that everyone in that type of relationship isn't having the same kind of questions and doubts, because I really won't believe you. It's just human nature.

Do you see how the consent thing brings up issues of rape for me (though not at the castration level)? Do you understand how the doubts in that relationship would make it feel more like cheating and less like maintaining multiple relationships? Maybe I'm not clear about why I feel the way I do, but I can't change that this is how I feel.

Even putting aside the fact that people face enough fear and rejection over having a monogamous gay relationship, I just don't think plurality in a relationship is a realistic long-term choice for people who want to be in love and feel secure and free with their significant other. In this case, I mean free as in I feel sexy and confident because I know you're not looking for anyone else to fuck whenever I'm out of town. A freedom that comes with trust. Trust that comes with love and respect and a feeling of equality. I just don't think those things can exist in a polyamorous relationship in this imperfect world with all of us imperfect people.

I can accept that there are people who disagree with me. If that's you, I wish you all the best in your polyamorous relationship. But in the back of my mind, I'm expecting that at some point you will feel resentful, left out, hurt, lonely, or wronged in that relationship. I can hope and pray that isn't true for you, but my heart doesn't believe it.

So here I am, trying to write something that touches your heart and makes you feel things, but it is really a challenge to do that when I don't actually believe in what I'm writing about. It's like asking me to debate on the side of something I don't agree with. I might be able to hit all the right points in my argument, but I don't know if my passion is going to feel real, because that shit is totally fictional.

And the point of all this? Yes! There is one. I'm writing one, two, possibly three stories with threesomes because those are the requests I've received recently (they are coming up soon, so I hope you're all excited to read them). And as a writer I want my story to make you think and make you feel. So if you see anything in these particular stories that is making the love story part not feel real and lasting, I want you to tell me. The only way I can improve as a writer is to find out where and how I am falling short. So please, comment on my stories when they come out. Feedback is love, people!

First Published: January 2021