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Consequences (part three)

Wayo's POV

It's been one year, two months and three days since my world turned upside down. I still can't really remember how it happened. I remember loving that man, thinking he was wonderful and feeling like he was my whole world. He had some faults, but they never bothered me. I thought we would be together forever. But that's not how it worked out.

"Ready to go?" Ming asked, ready to take me to my classes. He never lets me go anywhere alone anymore. I don't mind, being alone is bad. When you're alone, the fear returns, but being in a crowd can be equally terrifying. People touching you, bumping into you. Hands and bodies and sweat, people laughing and joking until you can't even breathe because the fear is so intense.

I nodded my head at Ming when he slowly took my hand. When we were kids, he would jump around and hug me. Even last year, he was jumping all over me like a little kid whenever he was excited. But now he was always slow and gentle with me. I'm sorry that my problems made Ming so serious.

We got in his car and he drove me to my faculty. My friends, Jae and Zee, met me at the entrance to the Science Faculty and we walked to our first classes. They used to be a little on the crazy side of fun, but with me they were more subdued. They walked with me sandwiched between them and made sure no one else touched me, even accidentally. I'm sorry that my problems made my friends feel so much responsibility to protect me.

"How are you today?" Dad's text came right before lunch. He texted two or three times a day, just to make sure I was okay. He used to be able to send me to school without worrying, at least without worrying anymore than any other parent did, but now he was always anxious that something would happen to me. I knew he'd done something that haunted his nightmares after what happened to me. He couldn't be as carefree as he used to be. I'm sorry that my problems made my dad a person he was afraid to become again.

I moved through my day quietly, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. My therapist said I needed to try to move on, to make new relationships and learn to trust again. But he doesn't have dreams that wake him up in the night, drenched in sweat and screaming with fear because of a man that he used to trust. It had taken me months and months just to stop flinching when the people I loved most tried to comfort me. I knew it hurt when I was afraid of them, but I just couldn't help it. I'm sorry that my problems changed my relationships with the people I love.

I saw Ming walk up to me, it's time to go home, and he always drives me. I know sometimes he should need to stay late, but somehow he managed to get out of any event that required him to stay later than I did. I smiled at him as he gently took my hand to lead me to his car. We stopped and got sushi before heading to my room, where we laid on the bed together.

It was Ming's idea to be part of my therapy. Laying on the bed with someone else and not having a panic attack. Ming held my hand and smiled. It was comfortable and I wasn't afraid. For the last three months, my feelings for Ming had been changing, but I knew he wouldn't want me. Not anymore. I'm sorry that my problems ruined my future.

Ming scooted closer, looking in my eyes, "Should we try again?"

"Let me think about it," I answered quietly. If I said yes, Ming would kiss me. He wanted me to know I could fall in love again and not be scared of intimacy, but I think it's bad for my heart. It wasn't because I was afraid of him, the one thing my problems changed that I wasn't sorry about was to force me to look beyond a person's exterior. The man that had hurt me the most was so handsome on the outside, but inside he was selfish and thoughtless. I knew that Ming wouldn't hurt me. He was good on the inside and the outside. I knew that Ming would fight for me, kill for me, even die for me. But he would never want me and kissing him would only make it hurt that much more when he eventually started dating someone else.