TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

my end

I'm riding on the fact that nobody reads this anymore. this was never really truly meant to be read anyways, you get me?
lol anyways
I'm going to die in a month.
well, that's the plan.
it's not some quick decision. I'm still very scared about the permanence of my actions (no one truly wants to die)
but right now, I'm still planning to go through with it.
it makes me sad.. knowing the people that care (every single of one them online) .. but it makes me even sadder that all these sentiments expressed so clearly by people online has never not once been said by anyone in real life.
shame, isn't it.
I was planning to die months ago but my friend talked me out of it (funny how that same friend just got out of a psych ward for attempting last week)
then i hadn't wanted to ruin christmas spirit so i didnt do it in December. then January, this month has my mom and my sisters birthday- I didnt want to ruin that for them. and it's the end of February because i don't wanna miss hobis birthday.
I could've intended it to march for yoongi but then I'd just keep extending forever. plus the thought of living until march makes me want to claw my eyes out.
I put a lot of thought into this. but it breaks my heart. I wont see my brothers go to kindergarten or grow up. I wont be able to see bts perform louder than bombs, or them open to army box in 20 whatever. I'll miss alot.
but I cant do it here. being on earth is killing me anyways.
who knows if my parents will lose their temper. or police will see me as a "threat". or a car will run a red light- you just dont know. At least I'll go on my own terms.
I'm not happy anymore. nothing makes me happy except brief fleeting moments all caused by bts. even when I laugh at other things it feels hollow. I cant get excited, or feel anything besides surface level anger and a minute of hurt and that doesnt last either. I'm numb.
or im deeply gut wrenchingly sad and I donr think that's good either.
I'm always tired yet I barely sleep. I'm drained all the time. I'm getting slower. my memory is nothing. I'm getting mean.
my entire existence was unwanted.

dont get it wrong though. unwanted by me.
I'm young but I've seen enough of this world, thanks. see yall on the flip side