TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

writing

i'm not sure how much people that know me know about this, but it's been years since i made up my mind that i would become an author. it used to be author and illustrator, but now that i know my drawing abilities are less than acceptable, i will stick with what i do best.

last year, was the peak of my creativity. i was brimming with ideas, i filled up an entire composition book, i made countless 'raps', i was often depressed but i was often happy as well.

but it seems entering high school was more difficult than i had anticipated. my social anxiety got way worse, and it's not taken seriously by teachers or my family (meaning my mom, who was the only one i had been willing to share with). in the beginning my anger issues were... a thing. not as bad as 7th grade, but as usually, not taken serious.

all my creativity from last school year, poof, gone. writers block was killing me. i tried to write raps but they didn't have the natural flow i'm used to. writing is supposed to be natural to me. i can write like i breathe. but sometimes it just feels like i can't.

and i'm literally terrified (as i've said before) that one day i may not want to write anymore. seriously, what would i do if i lose passion for writing? i would be nothing. i really would be nothing.

when Black Swan by BTS came out, at first, i listened without reading the lyrics. It was the classical version with the dancers, and i thought it was so interesting and i liked the beat.

then i read the lyrics. i realized my fears clearest that time. so, as rare a thing it is these days, here is what i wrote in the middle of my chem class when i was bored of my bald headed teacher:

1/31/20

The one thing I fear

is that I'll someday lose my passion

my drive for what I love

the fear gets worse

as time just keeps on passing

It's crazy that I was five years old

when I said I would make it happen

will I be able to keep my word

the day I have no joy

when my pen hits the paper

the day the thoughts don't flow

the moment I lose

what made me

how would I live?

I only got me to save me

how could  I live?

if that passion was my life support

and I'm the one that unplugged it?

yea. i wrote something else that day as well, right after this (maybe the way the light bounced off of my chem teacher's shiny bald head gave me inspiration to not focus) but it's way darker. today is not the day i'll share depressing stuff. y'all ain't ready.