TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

what i did

TW SH

so for those who didnt know, I can say I've been struggling mentally since I was ten. years have past since then and it's gotten worse.

round of applause.

I do have to say media did influence me somewhat in things like negative behavior but I cant even go into that right now.

so since I was ten I thought about. ykw. 🙋🏽‍♀️🔪

but all I ever did was just press the knife to my skin or just run it along my arm. then I'd put it away. I didnt have the guts to do anything but fantasize.

and i wish it stayed that way.

but alas, a object sharp enough that it didnt take much to break the skin was within my reach and with emotions high, I did it.

(tbh my dad was the reason. he was in a whole different country supposed to be relaxing but decided to call me and yell at me for 7 minutes straight and I was so upset I went searching through the entire house looking for something to do it with, and I found it)

It was a couple months ago. the first time i ever actually did it. I carved the word 'stupid' into my thigh. that's what my dad had called me and always calls me so I was feeling spiteful. I regret it.

now I have it scared onto my skin and my dad doesnt even know it exists, no one but one friend, and I kept on doing it after that.

I only did my thigh at first but then I cut my arm too. Now what? Seriously.

I haven't cut in a week and I never want to cut again but I feel like I will. All it takes is for my dad to piss me off again (though I have been getting better at ignoring and brushing him off completely) and I'll slip up.

the issue isnt with me doing it- the issue is the fact that it scars. seeing them makes me so mad I want to cut over it again, spite. why the hell am I so spiteful? especially when all that energy turns self destructive?

my dad was right, I really am stupid.