TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

a mess

I feel like every teenager, or even young children, or an adults- I just feel like everyone feels like they are misunderstood. I feel like it's so easy to feel underappreciated, unheard, to feel alone, or lonely despite not being alone.

i think that's so sad.

humans are devastating to me. we are the few creatures that can feel empathy, we have a conscience, we have the ability to look on the past, to improve, to change our destiny, our path in life, to follow our personal passions. we can tell what's right or wrong, we develop morals, we can give, we can help, we can love.

yet despite this, we hold back. we hurt, we kill, we steal, we burn. we rape, we abuse, we torture, we bully. and why? why are all of us in so much pain?

we are in the best position to make this world beautiful. there is so much potential. yet we use our power to take. why?

we become caught up in a fantasy of money and influence and remain insensitive to the people around us. we ignore others opinions and spread hate in order to sate the darkness inside of us. we back stab, we gain trust only to tear it down. and why? why does it feel so good to cause pain?

what are we missing? why do we do this? it doesn't matter if you are the most kind hearted person in the world. a child could take your life for fun. someone could be having a bad day, in a dull life, pick up a knife and decide if they suffer, others will too. we are too greedy. too selfish. too ignorant, too insistent on staying ignorant. we are stubborn, cruel, headstrong, and weak.

only weak minded people can't suffer alone. that's why i tried to stay quiet. 

but i feel like i still spread negativity. it's my fault. my pain shouldn't be made others. that's selfish. that is weak.

i dunno. i'm constantly in a battle with myself. how much i should show others, how much i should tell my irls, how much of what happened to me is my fault or not. it can't all be my mom, or my dad, or my sisters. i can't come out this bad and it all be their faults. that's stupid. that doesn't make sense. they aren't bad people. it's got to be me.

but wait til i get mad, and it's like i want them to all burn. that's not right.

it's in human nature to empathize, but also to conquer. to be our own exceptions. we are doomed. we will be our own demise.

but to those suffering. child or adult. you don't deserve it. no matter what other people say. no matter what the voices in your head say. no matter what you feel. people don't deserve to suffer for no reason. 

i've heard too many cases of children being killed for dumb shit. a baby beaten to death for crying. an infant raped and later dead from the injuries because a man couldn't get a woman. a kid tortured over a year, for his mom and her boyfriend's amusement. a child kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and then buried alive just because he could. the countless teenagers lost in drive bys, school shootings, police brutality, gang violence. 

do you think they deserved it? do you think all their bad deeds in their short lives deserved that type of punishment? is wanting love a crime? there is no justice in what happens to the perpetrators. no amount of jail time, or other lives lost, will bring them back. justice doesn't exist.

is it worth it? the power? does it feel that good? 

every time i open up, i feel like a weight is lifted off my chest. until it's used against me and I'm the fool. i've done horrible things too. i wasn't shot at. i wasn't tortured. i wasn't stuffed in a bag. i wasn't touched. yet i complain as if there is something to complain about. i live in a house. i have food in my fridge. i have clothes, shoes. i have two parents. what is there for me to run my mouth on? i go to school. i can read and write. so why do i feel like there is something wrong in my life?

that's not right. forgive me for being mean. i don't like myself neither.

im so insensitive. my dad didn't have half of what i have right now, so should i even blame him? no. i should shut up and do as told. 

this turned into a pity party so quickly. i hate that.

anyways, people of wattpad, you guys rock. i love you guys. you are beautiful. you are worth so much more than you are told. you are worth so much more. i hate that i can't help all of you. i hate that so many army and just kids in general don't love themselves, me included. 

the world needs to do so much better. you guys deserve it. i love you