TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

fears

i'm not really scared of a lot of things. i wouldn't say i'm brave- i just have no self preservation. that's what scares me.

i'm super impulsive and i'm sort of... attracted to things that can hurt me, i guess? it's hard to explain.

like, if i see open fire, i would want to touch it, even though i know it'd hurt. or if i'm by a high ledge with no bars, i would want go to the very edge and look down even though i know any small thing could happen and i could fall to my death. if i see a knife... you get the trend.

but i realize what i'm doing and the fact that seconds before i didn't care? i think that's weird. i consciously remember this happening starting when i was ten. i've mentioned what also started when i was ten previously. i won't repeat it.

i have never harmed myself, don't get the wrong idea. but i sometimes feel like it'd be so easy to start. but i don't want to. i already have body image issues, having scars would make it worse.

i have briefly discussed it with one of my wattpad besties (they should know how they are) that if i saw like an idol, or even anyone, being pointed a gun at or even shot at, i would step in front of them with no hesitation.

it's not that i'm brave, i don't think so. i have thought about it for a while now. i put others lives before my own. i don't care about putting myself on the line. it holds no significance to me. saving someone else doesn't really take much effort, does it? all it takes it a step in the right direction. or wrong direction, if you're someone who actually cares about their own well being.

like you should. honestly.

personally, i think it's just easier to help others than myself. you know that whole practice what you preach thing? it's not for me. i will always have an ear to hear your issues and i do not judge. i can give relationship advice, advice on how to deal with family issues, friendship advice, all sorts while my own life is a mess. it's what i do. and it helps. just not for me.

this remote learning is, quite bluntly, absolute bullshit. i'm over it. this isn't right. remember when i said i don't fear much? well i'm not scared of animals, i want a tiger and a snake even. i'm not scared of heights, or sharp objects, or fire- or maybe i am and i just like the thrill. i'm weird, it wouldn't surprise me. i'm not scared of the dark (anymore), or of the supernatural, up until i was 12 i wanted to be a werewolf. not kidding. i'm not scared of doctors, or dentists. i'm not scared of enclosed spaces, or of death. i'm not scared of being alone. i wish i would always be alone.

i'm not scared of being kidnapped, or tortured. i'm not scared of pain. of rejection. of being forgotten, or forgetting the people i love. i'm not scared of freezing to death or microwaves (sorry Kook). these things just aren't on the list at all. 

i'm not saying i don't have fears. i have three fears that are big for me. i won't say all- if you know, you know. but right below that is the fear of failure. 

it's not as simple, as failing a class, or failing a grade, or even failing out of school. it touches on failing my parents who probably would expect no less of me, but it's more than that too. 

it's living my whole life with this passion for writing, pouring my heart and soul into writing, losing friends to write, losing family to write, going to school to write, dropping out of school to write, going bankrupt yet still wasting my life away to write, hoping that the words i write can make a difference to someone.

it's doing all of that writing and failing at that. all of my works flunking, dying and all my works dying with me. now that's my biggest fear.

if i don't make it as a writer?

what would i do with myself? to myself?

i'll die. good thing i'm not afraid of that.