TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

update

I want to reiterate.
if you know me- whether irl or online
DO NOT READ

So my friend wanted me to go to a psych ward because she said itd help. She has gotten out of one the previous week. I didnt really have an interest in surviving or "getting better" but I agreed. On January 21, I would go.

At least that was the plan. On the 20th, i had a kind of freak out. I literally dont know what happened, I barely have any memories regarding what happened.

In short, I happened to make some impulsive yet measured decisions. Neurotypicals wouldnt understand.

I was too scared to tell my mom like I planned. I just called 911 to make sure I wouldnt die. they sent an ambulance.

In stead of being concerned, my mom was mad at me and took my phone. I was taken to the hospital. The white male police officer that went with me antagonized and patronized me on the way.

I entered the hospital, enough caffeine and adrenaline coursing through my veins to shut my body down. My mom was still mad.

I felt sick, too hyper to sit down or even stand still. I was taken to a hospital bed.  Got an IV. Had to take some things, some tests. I hated it. I cried.

My mom saw my cuts. She asked if I was trying to be like Demi Lovato.

Translation: She asked me, her daughter who is in the hospital, if I was cutting because "celebrities do it". I want to say  I had some comeback but I was speechless.

She told me about how there were people actually sick here.

Translation: She told me, her kid who has been asking for years to get help, that there was no reason to do all this. no reason to go to the hospital, because theres nothing wrong with me.

The nurses asked her about me. My mother told them that she thinks I'm a complicated person that's just trying to be more complicated.

Translation: My mother, who knows exactly what I did to get in the hospital, is saying pretty much I'm an attention seeker. I'm just trying to be special.

I want to die. She says I'm trying to be special.

I had to stay overnight. I was on suicide watch so it was humiliating. I literally couldn't be alone to piss. I would never do that again if only to never experience that.

Also they constantly had to lift up my shirt to hook me up to machines, and bruh I felt so exposed. I literally had to force myself to separate myself from my body cuz I felt so uncomfortable. My mind went bye bye.

Then I was transferred to the psych ward. Boy, the people that I met there. The things these people went through.
I cant share their stories but it was so sad. Children. They didnt deserve it.

Unfortunately all that time there didnt improve my mental state upon leaving. In a controlled environment constantly going to groups constantly surrounded by other children ypure literally living with 24/7, it's fun. Its distracting.

When you leave..

The hospitals did was trash and I hate speaking to adults (The head psychiatrist that I spoke to is a lying snitching incompetent rat that should stop threatening to quit and actually go through with it), but I had friends. I had a roommate who likes BTS, that would talk all night, sharing stories, making up fanatics ideas, just laughing our behinds off until we were threatened to switch rooms. Guys, I was still friggin depressed but I was having fun.

Coming back, sucked. My family didnt really change. On the surface you can see them trying to make an effort.

But it's not for me. it's to make themselves feel better. Giving me a bedtime? Taking away my phone? Restricting my life even more is supposed to help me?

It doesnt! Adults are so STUPID.

Criticizing me for going to "outside people" rather than in the family. YOU DUMB ASS MOTHERFUCKERS FAMILY IS THE REASON I WANTED TO FUCKING DIE.

Ahem. Apologies.

Anyways yes. it really sucked. I really started to think that I shouldve never called 911. I shouldve taken a nap like unplanned to and i might've never woken up. See how they like it. Demi Lovato ain't do that

Talking about how i should think about how my mother feels cuz shes taking it harder - my dad, who previously told me he didnt care and that I was faking to get him and the others in trouble

I dont care anymore. The doctor says its apathy. I dont care about that either. My mom sat there and cried in front of me because it's hard for her.  okay? cool. It will continue being hard. Boo hoo Im not cured. I'm not suddenly free of all mental illness. She can cry. Shes allowed to be upset or sad.

But that ain't got shit to do with me. Fuck that bullshit. Where was the tears when I was on the verge of irreversible liver damage? Pardon me for not giving a damn.

She struggling? So am I!

I've been struggling since I was TEN.

five. years. five years of wanted to split my arm open and seeing myself bleed. that developing into wanting to bleed out. From twelve years old if not before that I wanted to die. That's hard.

I was ignored and scorned every time I even hinted at going to a therapist or psychiatrist.

Now all of a sudden it's my fault too cuz I was communicating.

FUCK YOU. I DIDNT WANT TO COMMUNICATE. I ALREADY PLANNING ON DYING YOU IDIOTIC IMBECILES! OF COURSE I WOULDNT TELL YOU IN THIS JUDGMENTAL LEECHING FAMILY THAT THE REASON WAS CUZ THE THOUGHTS OF LAUNCHING MYSELF OUT MY GODDAMN BEDROOM WINDOW KEPT CIRCLING ARIUND MY HEAD LIKE A PING PONG BALL. I TRUSTED YOU TO CARE REGARDLESS AND YOU DIDNT SO I DIDNT TRUST YOU. PERIOD.

sorry again about that. but indeed. my parents are social workers. they believe in mental illness. just not in their own kids.

(Fuck you Daddy, you shouldn't brag about beating little kids. you're a grown ass man smh)