TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

Late Nights

this is the last one, you know the drill. fair warning tho- i was lowkey drunk on sleepiness so it hardly makes sense

I used to think I had a fairly good grip on my emotions. I thought I had a reign on how much I showed to others and I could handle stuff easily by myself.

You know what's the saddest way to figure out you were wrong? Sobbing to yourself so late at night that it's technically morning, wishing you could tell someone that would understand.

I get randomly emotional these days. I cry alot to myself, not every night but some of them.

I wish I would stop being sad already. I'm ready for this phase to be done. I just want to be happy. No. I want happiness. I dont want a second of joy only to be thrown back into a depressive cycle. I want lasting peace and to be able to smile freely.

I feel so trapped inside my own body and I hate it. I despise it I loathe I hate it I hate it. It hurts so much.

It's not like I have a reason to be sad. Everything to me becomes sad all of a sudden. Edits I watch on insta or YouTube. Books I read. None of it is real, it's my imagination and other peoples imaginations.

why do I take it so much to heart? Today I read something. It's the reason I cried for 5 hours. Usually at night I cry because of something sad I read or watched and then I make my self sadder by listening to my cry music.

But it was this.

I take it SO much to heart when I hear about armys being sick or dying. Last year an army died a month before she could go to her first bts concert after fighting for so long. I was devastated and I never even knew her.

Now this poor poor girl died and I'm here complaining about my family breaking their backs to support me and I hate myself.

then I get more upset because bts strives for years to help being love themselves and help and understand and I'm crying still at 6 am for what reason.

I heard that Solin died a couple days ago. Now that made me break down. I feel like some days I just torture myself. I do this to myself. I seek sadness.

but why? because this is ridiculous. it's not even funny I'm really upset right now.

I think I have a problem. I dont want to be over dramatic or self diagnose but I'm pretty sure I have issues. I wont know for sure until I'm legal because my parents dont believe in that stuff with their children, but who knows.

it may because of my mental state right now. but idk guys. I'm so lost. all I have is bts to ground me.

I dig a hole with my friends, push away my family, and basically isolate myself. i dont feel healthy, I'm not pleased with anything and i want to change.

these are the days that just dont get better. maybe tomorrow.

August 23, 2019
(6:08am)