if you know me irl, please do not read
if you dont want your opinions of me to change, please do not read. I'm dead serious, do not.
if you're gonna judge me, please do not read
I'm actually fine if no one reads🤣
but aye, this is a SAFE SPACE, OKAY...
I feel like I'm better at helping others with their problems than talking to others about mine.
that's why I was apprehensive about publishing this book in the first place. It can give other leverage over me and I didnt like it. still dont.
seeing as this book is getting published, it is proof that I am getting better at voicing out when I have issues, if not irl than at least online. at least its something.
but I dunno, i still feel like it's better i talk to others. however these days when i do- it takes much more out of me.
usually, I am good at helping, some may say I have a way with words. I like focusing on others rather than me. I dont like thinking about me.
but nowadays it just seems like everyone is hurting way too much for me to help. I feel like I'm always talking someone off a ledge and then I have to convince myself too. its exhausting and helping others shouldn't be exhausting but I'm sorry I'm exhausted.
it hurts that even if I can't help myself I cant help others. if I fail with my own life its like redemption to help others with theirs. but I cant anymore.
sometimes it feels like a burden to be so young. everyone always assumes I'm way older than I am. I wish I was. it's a let down. is it my fault? no. but it still sucks.
maybe I should use incorrect grammar and talk like a child. but how do you even do that? what the fuck.
everyone is suicidal these days. everyone wants to die. it's so sad. but then I'm a hypocrite cuz guess who wants to die too. this is baffling.
we all deserve better. my dad is downstairs trying to convince my sister to start working to pay off her loans, shaming her for staying inside instead of working during quarantine and shit.
my mom and dad work two jobs both essential workers. they never stopped working. my other sister is also an essential worker. she never stopped working.
he is using that to try and make her work by discouraging her plan to use her saved money to pay her debts. it's sad to hear. she's one of the people I cant help.
because I love her, but no way am I facing my dad for her. sorry sis.
okay that was off topic. moving on.
yea, I was talking to a person that wanted me to be their caregiver and was promptly disappointed to find I am a minor. I wish I wasnt either. it's done nothing to help anyone.
the person proceeded to throw away all of their little items and proclaim they wont be little anymore. they previously had abusive caregivers that used them for sexual reasons when they were little then left them high and dry.
it's sad. I'm sorry I couldn't help. I'm also scared they want to self harm. but we're only talking through a screen. I can plead and plead but at the end of the day, I will never reach him. I'm sorry too.
last night I was feeling a little upset. it was a random upset, one that sneaks up on ya, sits on your chest when you arent paying attention and by the time you do, you're already suffocating.
I snapped out of it for a little. then I got into bed and started reading a book. It got me in my feelings. so I calmly cried. then I got myself together and started to read again. it wasnt so sad anymore.
as soon as I took a break from reading though, I started to cry again. it was so weird. so I read again, I was fine. stopped reading, started to cry.
like what the hell is that.
anyways, then i went to sleep, woke up, not crying at the least.
what a night, am I right?
I think this is the end of this rant.
I'll add a picture to lighten the mood.
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