TEMPORARY RANT BOOK

my plan

lol I decided to republish this rant book. It's funny reading old me's thoughts but  imma leave it alone. hopefully one day I can read it and it be a testament of my growth

TW

on October 22 I started preparations to kill myself. I counted how many pills my mom had in her medicine cabinet and I found my sisters old pill container from when she was sick. I started writing my "will".

I built up courage for days, so scared and anxious, but not scared enough and not anxious enough to stop the plan.

At first the plan was just to OD and get sent to a hospital and get my stomach pumped or whatever. I was planning on going to those lengths just for my family to take me seriously.

then the plan changed to.. you know. this is because I realized that I would probably end up really dying anyways. I'm the type of kid that randomly lies on the floor for five minutes, I literally always play dead. They wouldnt take me seriously- well not fast enough.

Also my plan had been to do it in the morning and go to sleep. But I realized, I would probably be left for an hour if not kore because everybody would think I was just sleeping in.

So I concluded that my plan on making my parents taking me serious could may as well just be my suicide plan. I honestly didnt care much either way. If I survived? cool. If I died? Cooler.

I was going to do it on Halloween. Just because I thought it was ironic and would be fitting.

I had already written everything out. who would get my clothes, what is to be done with my body, how I want the funeral to go. At this point it was all in the air and if God wanted me to go, I would go.

However I made the mistake of telling my close friend. I had held off on telling her because she would talk me out of it and I was right. she did. well at least for now.

She told me to actually get a psychiatrist (we had both already talked about getting one but i chickened out each time) and to wait three months. One month to break a bad habit and two months to make a good habit.

I agreed after an hour of convincing but right after that call ended, I burst into tears. I freaked out, worked myself up into a panic attack and just felt miserable.

Weird right? I was mad that I would live. usually it's the other way around. I think.

I thought about doing it anyways. technically she couldn't really stop me. but I said three months so I at least will try.

Halloween was tough for me. These past days have felt so draining. I'm not even supposed to be here anymore. I'm supposed to be long gone or at least in a hospital.

But I'm not. I'm still in this forsaken house and I still want to die but I'm holding on. I dont want anyone saying they're proud or any encouragement. There is nothing for me to be proud of. I do not want to be here.
Encouragement at this point feels taunting.