Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

13: Brown

CATALINA

Instead of going home like I initially intended to, I find myself storming back into the building and letting my feet guide me all the way up to my therapist's office. I feel the nerves in my legs as I stomp down the hall, holding in all my anger until I slam her door open.

"We have to talk right now!" I exclaim as I march towards the couch.

Except, I don't sit down. I just find myself standing up and pacing back and forth.

"I just said something really mean to August, but that's not why I'm here!" I speak, taking sharp breaths to regulate my nerves.

"You don't have an appointment." She sighs and takes off her glasses.

"He told me that my husband has a baby with his ex, Melody!" I soff out the words in absolute disgust.

My therapist sits up and furrows her eyebrows. I look at her and nod my head, assuring her that this is definitely an urgent matter.

"He's a liar, but he's not that kind of liar. To just blatantly lie like that. Like why would he?" I shake my head with my eyes narrowed.

"but that sounds so stupid, it sounds like something he just made up. Why would Melody and Ashton have a child?" I start to rant, all of my sentences becoming bunched up. "He would have had to cheat on me and that doesn't sound right. It doesn't make any sense. He must be lying."

"Okay."

"Do you think he's lying? You think I should just let it go?"

"I can't tell you what to think about August because you won't say how you feel about him." She sighs.

Her and I have this conversation every other session. She tries to get me to admit my underlying feelings and I can't because there are just too many of them. They all just ball up into anger and this obligation that I feel to despise him. My therapist-- Dr.Reed-- keeps trying to get me to admit all these deep things and I can't.

"I mean. He lies, he does lie. I'm not denying that. It's just, he doesn't make stuff up. He doesn't have to because the stuff that happens for real is bad enough."

"Obviously I was just mad, I didn't mean that stuff. I called Lily ditzy and she's a pediatric surgeon. I was just mad, but he really really hurt me. He started it!"

"Okay, now I need you to calm down and take a seat."

I sigh heavily and do as she said. I shut up and calm down.

"So let's pretend this is true....what are you going to do?"

"I don't know." I shrug. I'd like to think that I would do....something, but when I try to imagine it, nothing comes to mind.

"Would you....leave him?" She asks and for some reason, although she knows everything about me, her questions sounds too personal.

"I....I don't know." I say and then I feel pathetic for saying it.

I guess I never thought about it. In a realistic way, would I leave? We have little children and yeah I'm perfectly capable of being alone, but do I want to be alone again? I wouldn't be alone, I have my kids. Except, I can't imagine a world where I'd be able to be okay if he cheats on me.

Then I stop and stare at my therapist as the realization dawns upon me. I can't believe I have given someone so much capacity to hurt me. I did that—I put my heart in his hands with no shield to protect it— because I trust him. Now, I see the problem with trust. I get it now.

"Okay." I nod my head, ready to rationalize. "What would I do? What do you think I would do?"

"Well do you think it's true?" Dr.Reed raised one of her straight, arched eyebrows. "Answer honestly, no clouded thoughts."