Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

Nine: Silver Box

This chapter is one of my favorites and I haven't written one that I've liked like this in a long time.

CATALINA

This hospital is a familiar place to me. It's where I spoke with Ashton for the first time, my first real job was here, it's where I had my baby. The walls of this hospital have just about watched me grow up and go from who I was to who I am now. Somehow, when I walk through the hallways today, all I think about is fear. This is where people come to die, it's where the ventilators are, it's where the emergency room is--so many horrifying things happen here. As I take slow strides towards room 318, those things are all I can think about.

I tried to talk myself out of visiting Emilio per his request because I didn't want to give him what he wanted. If he truly is dying, it's what he deserves. Then, I realized that if I go to see him, it isn't going to be for him, but for me. I want to hear what he has to say, because as much as I want to be one of those people who can bury curiosity, I'm not.

As I open the door to his room, I'm hesitant because for some reason I think that he won't be in there. I think that someone may be playing a trick on me or this is one of his devious ideas to get me alone. I peek my head inside of the room first and I see a nurse changing fluids. My eyes travel to the bed and there he is, laying there.

I stand back and stare at him as he sits in bed tired and weak. He's dying and he looks like it. I see how pale his face is and his veins protruding from his skin. As I stand at the end of his bed and look at his sickly silhouette I try to conjure up feelings that aren't negative. He's evil if evil were to have a human embodiment, he's manipulative in the cruelest of ways, he's never loved anyone, and worst of all, he gave me up before he even gave me a chance. I know how different my life would be if it weren't for this man : if his bitter hatred had not clasped its hands around hearts that were once pure.

Despite what every exhilarating fiber of my being is telling me, I only feel one thing as I look at him: Pity.

"What do you want?" I ask, still standing away from him.

"I wanted to see you." Emilio clears his throat as he lifts himself up against the pillow.

"I know, but my question is why."

"To be reminded of why I don't regret anything I've ever done."
I scoff and shake my head.

"I was unfair to you." He says, but he's avoiding looking at me. "and I'm sorry for that."

"What?" A laugh slips out of my mouth without my control. "That's what you have to say to me? You called me here for a weak, deathbed apology?" 

"No. I had it planned out." Emilio admits as he huffs. "but now that you're here no words seem well thought out."

"because the pain you've caused is far too tremendous for words to repair."

I don't think I have to remind him of what he's done and how he's hurt everyone I know; it seems to me that he's been thinking about his sins for a while now. He didn't decide to call me to visit overnight, people like him think things out to every minor detail before they act. No matter what he says, I'll never feel like Emilio is being genuine.

"Sit." He suggests, gesturing to the blue couch at his bedside.

With skeptical eyes, I slowly step toward the chair. I clear my throat and stand over his bed to assert authority. Standing taller than him gives me a meager sense of dominance, like he can't hurt me if he wants to just because I'm standing and not sitting. I still feel the same jitters in my bones and my heart rate increases, but I am not afraid of him. I won't be afraid of him again.