Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

23

CATALINA

"Okay!" Dr.Lee leans in with a giant grin on her face like this is the first day of preschool.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Ashton check his watch. I decide to scoff under my breath instead of saying anything out loud and starting something before we even start therapy.

"So, to break the ice. What is something that you've always wanted to ask one another?"

That's the icebreaker? Seems more like something you ask mid-way through, I don't know.

"Do you think that I'm a bitch?" I ask him immediately.

Caught off guard by my question, Ashton blinks and looks at Dr.Lee before he looks at me again.

I've always wanted to know if he thought so and sometimes I wondered if he was a little crazy for not thinking so.

"You don't have to contextualize it." Dr.Lee assures him. "Just use your own definition, and be completely honest. That's the only way this will work."

He turns to me again. "A little." He admits.

I stare at him, not mad or hurt or anything, just happy that he said it. I had wondered if he thought so and sometimes I wondered if he was crazy for not thinking so.

"Sometimes." He adds quickly. "Well, I don't think that you're a bitch but I think that you can be, you know?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't think that you noticed."

Which is why I never tried to do anything to change it. That's completely my fault. How could I think he loved me so much that he would be blind to my flaws? That's unfair. and even if I thought so, that just means I was taking advantage of him loving me. Yet another thing that I've done wrong.

"but you've done it all right." He speaks up again after noticing my silence. "It's me. I've tried not to ever hurt your feelings and I just went along with everything. I shouldn't be so agreeable."

"No, it's not your fault. It's me. If I wasn't so difficult you wouldn't have to."

He just loves me and wants me to be happy, and my happiness comes at the price of assuring me about really ridiculous hypotheticals.

"And why do you think so?" Dr.Lee speaks up, looking at me. "That you're... a bitch, that is."

"I don't– I just am, I guess. Sometimes I'm mean to him when he's hurt my feelings and instead of expressing that I get cold. I come up with insane situations because I'm so paranoid that he'll leave me one day. I brought a foster kid without even asking him, but I just wanted to help her and–"

"And you did the right thing." Ashton interrupts me. "You think you're bad, but I don't think so. I just wish that you would talk to me more no matter how embarrassed you feel or how stupid you think it is. I think that would solve a lot."

We're practically having this conversation on our own. I knew we would be able to.

"and Ashton, what do you want to ask Catalina?"

"Did you and August ever date?" He asks almost faster than I asked mine.

"That's your- uhm, no. No." I shake my head. "We kissed-"

"You kissed!?" He gasps.

"Well, he thought he was going to die."

and I'd really like not to relive the days before my mother's death if I don't have to.

"And you never told me this?"

"It wasn't important."

"That's not true. Yes, it was-"