Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

20: Leaving

CATALINA

I wrap the bandage around my finger after accidentally pricking myself with a knife. Ashton would usually do it for me, but this time he didn't seem to care. Not saying he should drop everything to put a bandage on my finger, but it just isn't how he normally reacts. He just looked at me and told me where they are and that was it. Didn't even ask if I needed anything.

We used to be so in love, I feel like. Or at least, he used to be so in love with me. I still love him the way I did when he told me he loved me for the first time and I was so scared he'd stop one day that I didn't want to say it back. I love him how I loved him when I thought I could be a mother while never truly having one of my own. and I love him more than I did when I vowed to love him forever. Why is that not enough?

Now, it just feels like I love someone who only loves me because he has to. He's made it such a big deal for all these years, made me let down every guard I have, and he can't just leave me now.

He can. He can leave me whenever he wants and that's the problem. I've always known it'd be one day.

Why can't I just talk to him then? I mean, I always have in the past and we've worked that way. I just feel like as we've gotten older I started to care more about him not thinking I was insecure and immature and he's started to care less about saying what I want to hear.

"Hey." I say, standing in the doorway Of our bathroom.

"Hi." Ashton says.

I haven't said anything about Melinda and that's how I know I've got an issue. Since when do I not address the things that are bothering me? I'm many many things, but passive has never been one.

How do I say it? I suppose I say it the way I would've 5 years ago: unfiltered, un-sugarcoated, and right to the point. Except those are all reasons why I fear he'd ever cheat on me to begin with. I shouldn't remind him why.

but I've tried the approach where I'm so nice and quiet that he'd feel guilty for what he's done(or didn't do). It didn't work.

I sigh. I can't hold it in and when it comes out I blink in shock. That wasn't very passive of me.

"What's wrong?" He looks at me from where he's sitting on the bed.

He's sitting on the bed, all comfortable with his laptop in his lap. He's there's without a worry while I'm standing in the doorway and he's the one who's ruining our marriage.

I cross my arms as I look at him, almost doing it in a way I never thought I'd look at him before. With a certain irritation that rises into quick anger. Almost a glare. Not quite, but almost.

"What are you doing?"

"I am working." He turns the laptop around to show me.

"That's a little unfair." I scoff quietly. "You're always working. Now, you're home. Be here."

I'm not saying he should spend time with me or I don't know, the bazillion children we have, but that's exactly what I'm saying.

"You say that like I'm not."

"You're not right now."

"because I'm doing something." He furrows his eyebrows. "and I was doing it in peace. Im almost done."

"Excuse me?"

"Im almost done. If I can finish quietly." He repeats.

"I don't know what's gotten into you or who you've gotten in to, but you're being a real asshole all the time."

He sighs and doesn't say anything. Well, he ignores me. Him not saying anything is much different than him ignoring me and that's what he's doing right now.