When the morning comes

39 | a changed second

You had mentioned it a lot of times before. "Did the tables turn?" You kissed me when I came back into bed, I think it was around three am. "You can't stop peeing. Looks like me when we just got into a relationship."

I had laughed. Thought back about those happy, carefree days. "You peed because you were nervous. I just.. really need to."

"Are you alright?" Honestly, I didn't know the answer to that question, but I assured you that I was. You fell back asleep. I watched you, couldn't get to sleep myself. I listened to Benjamin tossing around his bed in his sleep, listened to your breathing pattern. Watched your rosy cheeks. Your chest rising and falling slowly. I played with your hair, while letting my thoughts run freely. Somehow, overthinking at night hits different. It scares you. Terrifies, even. All kind of scenarios run through your head. It was probably blown out of proportion back then, but what else could my mind make up? It needed something to keep me awake.

When your alarm clock went off, I was finally drifting off to sleep. Awoken by the loud ringing, I felt how you kissed me, sleepily got dressed and walked over to Benjamin's room. I heard his high pitched morning voice, groaning, begging to sleep some more. You tickled him. I could tell by the loud laughter leaving his mouth, the grumbling after. I smiled, decided to get out of bed to get some breakfast with the both of you.

"Why aren't you eating, Mamma?" Benjamin had asked. I hadn't noticed my own eating behaviour, but even you had mentioned that I had started to eat less the last couple of months. I felt bloated loads of time, didn't really know the reason, but simply thought I was having too much bad food, instead of healthy. That's what happens when you get a child, especially a boy who loves food a little too much. Oh, and not to forget- a husband.

"I'm full already." I assured him I was okay, kissed his face and sent him off to school with you. I went straight back to bed. My tummy felt uncomfortable. My heart started jumping out of joy, and for a split second, I wondered if I was pregnant. It could explain all of the symptoms- the loss of appetite, the many toilet visits, the strange feeling.

With high hopes, I had gone to the shop, bought some pregnancy tests and went home. During the day, I had taken them and waited for you to get home. Benjamin came home first, I had forgotten I left them in the bathroom, so when he got out, he'd asked why there were 'sticks' all over the bathroom floor in cups with yellow substance.

"Very sorry for you to see that, campione. Oreos and milk?"

"But what is it, Mamma?" Benjamin couldn't hide his curiosity. "Do you have new thermometers, but mamma, I told you I didn't want those that you have to stick up your-"

"Beniamino!" I bursted out into laughter, threw him onto the couch. "Drink your milk."

"But, mamma-"

"I'll tell you later. I promise."

I hadn't had the chance to hold you back from going into the bathroom. "Aurora.." You came out, your eyes had this look that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Weren't you happy that I could possibly be pregnant again? Benjamin was eight, almost nine, I wasn't able to get pregnant after him, but we had always wanted more children.

"What is it, Zev?"

"Did you think you were.."

"Did you see them? What are the results? I wanted to see them with you, amore." I stormed into the bathroom, checked all of the tests. Negative. All of them. I remember sliding down the wall, sitting onto the cold tiles. Staring at the tests. Entangled with my own mind. My own body. Somewhat, confounded. "I don't understand it."