When the morning comes

50 | one more morning

My dearest Zev,

Sometimes my mind goes back to the day where I first met you; the camping trip. My mind relives every moment, from seeing your note, waking you up in that tent, meeting you behind the toilet building, drinking wine.. and from all the adventures we have had after that.

The pier, the fact that you paid that man a hundred bucks just so we could watch dawn privately. Eating at my house, meeting Teddy, getting proposed, having our marriage, getting two children, spending our days out at live-stock markets, for the sake of our boy. My mind cannot always comprehend what is happening to my body at this moment, but now that the idea of it all has dawn upon me, I start to look back at things that I'm eternally grateful for.

And the first thought that comes up is simple. It's you.

I know it isn't fair. But what is fair in this world? I push myself to think further than my disease, and then I realise what kind of beautiful life I have been given by God, despite the things we both have been through. Whether it be in our youth, or the days of the birth of Eden.

We have been given so much to be grateful for. We went and came back home safely from work every single time. We had enough food and water, shelter, clothes. We had each other. We had Benjamin and Eden. We had wines to sip, laughs to share, tears to wipe. The lake house. Our Heavenly Father. And so much more.

Zev, I know what I've done was a huge decision, and I realise now that it was not fair that I made it on my own, but I hope, still, that you understand me. It's everywhere, Zev. Everywhere. The cells are in my lymphs, my lungs, even my head. It couldn't have saved me. It could not have. Would it have been giving me more days? Who knows, but Zev.. we've shared so many beautiful things together. I don't want to ruin those memories by my last days being awfully sick, in pain, not aware of anything going on.

It is okay. I'm ready to meet our little girl Eden. Even when it stings so incredibly much to leave you and Benjamin behind.

You left in the middle of the night. I don't know where you are. If you slept in the backyard, maybe at Teddy's house, or maybe you didn't sleep at all. I know you're upset. It hurts my heart. I want you here, but I understand that you need some space to think things through. That's just the way you are, and I respect that. Always have. It's one of the reasons why I fell in love with you; your sentimentality, your extremely big, golden heart, the way you felt things so intensely and deeply.

But in situations like those, I just wished I could protect you from that. I know it is difficult, and you've been holding my head, and Benjamin's head above the water all the time. Do you realise that? Do you realise how much you have done for the both of us in the past few months?

Zev, I'm in pain. I want to deny it but I can't. The typewriter feels so heavy on my legs. It bores through my skin, gives me bruises. My fingers are tired. They cannot write anymore, but I have so much to say to you, to say to Benjamin. I feel my strength fading, if only I could keep on talking, but that tires me out even more.

I guess it's alright. Words would never be able to explain what you mean to me. How much I love you. How much I love Benjamin. It goes beyond me. My heart explodes every time I see you two.

Zev, I'm asking one more time. Will you give her a chance? Please.

The phone is ringing, but I have used all of my strength in this letter. I want to write about the day where we went to the zoo, or when you had written yourself a short novel and read it out loud to me, with your cheeks flushed red, because of your timidity. Your self-awareness. In front of the fire. I want to write about the day where you rode a horse for the sake of Benjamin. About the day where we wanted to go to London with the Metro but we ended up at a building called metro instead of the real thing, because you hadn't properly searched it through. Want to write so much, but I can't anymore.

I've said it before.. will you write our story down? To keep it all alive? All the good things we've been through? And most importantly, God's greatness through this difficult journey?

I feel calm. I feel it will come, probably soon. The phone is ringing again. I can just reach it with my fingers.

It was Benjamin, he is coming home. I'm rocking back and forth. I feel dizzy. Zev, where are you? I wish you were here. I feel calm, but cold. I need you to embrace me.

Benjamin is home. He's upset. Scared. I want to hug him, but I can't. The door is locked. You must have the keys in the pocket of your trousers. Instead, there are prints on the window of his lips against my fingers.

Zev, I don't feel good. I wish you were here.

All I'm praying for is one more morning watching dawn with you, Zev. I'm praying to God for one more dawn. One more. And then, I will go.

And we did get that morning.

But I wasn't there.

•

Thoughts...?

Aurora's view on deciding? What do you think happened between the two of them? Did they fight?

Let me know your thoughts...

The end is SO near.. what do you think will happen at the end??