When the morning comes

17 | small talks

It had been one of the brighter moments for Benjamin, because in the days that had followed after, his behaviour hadn't really improved. Sometimes when I lay in bed at night before going to sleep, my mind would go through the days again, desperately trying to find a moment where it went wrong. If it was because of me, if it truly was just Aurora's temper and his own mood swings.

Sometimes I tried to pull the words out of his mouth, but they were swallowed so deep down, flooding with the wave of his emotions towards his heart- where everything else was stuck- that I didn't seem to succeed.

The reason I let it be. He was eleven, would become more independent. Maybe he simply did not want to share things with me anymore. I figured I could ask Salomé if she knew more about the development of boys that age. I couldn't remember it myself. Besides- my childhood hadn't been that stable, therefore I didn't know if the way I had behaved when I was eleven was the way boys in general would behave.

Drinking my coffee, I watched Benjamin. He was seated onto the horse I had made him in the backyard. Hat on top of his head, belt around his waist, lasso in his hand. He wasn't practicing fanatically, rather stared at the head of the horse while playing with the rope in his hand. He would throw the lasso in the direction of the cow so now and then, but other than that, he just sat there.

He glanced inside the house. The moment his gaze fell on me, he tried to play, pushed his emotions away, like he always did. "Benjamin Matteo Teddy Malin, Bronq rider of the century. Wow!" He held onto the fake reigns with one hand, swayed with the other to pretend to keep his balance. His hips moved back and forth, he looked focused. "He just beat Casey Tibbs! And that with his eleven years old.. Wow. Benjamin I'm proud of you." He stopped. Slouched back. Watched the sky. Sighed deeply. "Thanks mamma."

I swallowed the wave of coming emotions down and stood up, figuring it was the right time to leave. Salomé had asked me to come over- she had urgent news. She had sounded rather upset, and the fact that she was willing to share it with me made me feel relieved. I'd been afraid, thinking she was mad at me for behaving the way that I had. I didn't meant to leave her hanging that day, however, I also didn't want to give her the impression that I was cheating on my wife.

"Benji, come. Unc Teddy is waiting for you." Benjamin slid off the horse, reached for his backpack, which was packed with sleeping stuff in case it would become late, and stumbled over to the car.

When I drove off, Benjamin looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. "I like Unc Teddy. He's very kind, but why can't I sleepover at Nolan? You wanted me to spend more time with him and Daniël too and then you send me to Unc Teddy each time."

How could I answer that?

"Nolan has three sisters and two brothers. I don't want to burden them with another child."

"I'm a burden?" Benjamin raised his eyebrows.

"Didn't mean it in that way."

"But Daniel said it himself and he offered it so we can accept that offer."

He didn't give up. Aurora's personality in him was stronger than mine. Our personalities hadn't blended equally when Benjamin was formed.

"You're the only grandson Unc Teddy has, he loves having you over."

"Why do you have to work at night? You never do that."

I suppressed a sigh. "There's something urgent going on."

Benjamin was quiet for the remaining of the ride. When I had dropped him off, I increased my speed and parked at Salomé's house not much later. I knocked onto the window when I saw her seated onto the couch with documents scattered all over her lap and floor.