When the morning comes

23 | English teacher logic

Long before Benjamin would be formed, Aurora had decided that she wanted to be a stay at home mother for at least the first six years of our children's lives. Both our norms and values consisted out of raising our children in the best way we could, and we had never thought sending a child of your own to a daycare five days out of the week was part of that.

Not that we weren't sure the people working there wouldn't do their jobs well- but because we knew the base of a child was made in those years and we wanted them to be surrounded by their own parents as much as possible, in a healthy way, for a stable base. I had never disagreed, had always thought that was the best for our children, too.

It wasn't that Aurora was too lazy to work- I think every man who has a wife and children sees how much work a child and a household actually are, to which is a shame that a mother never gets much praise or gets paid for it- Aurora loved being busy, but she stood for her beliefs, our norms and values and I respected that as well as knew it was the best for our child. We tried a lot, nonetheless we stayed childless for a long time. When Benjamin finally came, Aurora couldn't be busier.

With me working five days a week to take care of my wife and son mostly financially, Aurora was there to feed our boy and entertain him throughout the day when I was gone. Home, I would cuddle him and kiss his chubby cheeks until he would fall asleep. With this all happening, Aurora proposed for me to have a father- son day once in a while. She would go out with her mother, my mother, or some friends, and I would have Benjamin to myself for the whole day.

That way, I had enough time with him and Aurora could have a break from her busy mum life.

Things had changed, drastically. I didn't necessarily need to plan a father- son day nowadays, however, I felt like it was needed. Felt like spoiling him, taking him out for the day. I didn't know where it came from, but seeing those happy children yesterday broke something loose in me. Seeing Sade, the photo of baby Benji, Gloria..

When I had awoken, I took a warm shower, got dressed, brushed my teeth and made my way over to Benjamins' room. It was nearing ten am, but when I stood in front of the door, I heard nothing. The indescribable feeling appeared in my guts already, but I tried to swallow them away and open the door, telling myself he was just tired from a week of going to school.

Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about Daniel, who had asked me if Benjamin awoke so early too every day, with energy you sometimes wished they wouldn't have. I could not relate at all, but I had kept my mouth shut.

I stared at Benjamin. He lay on his side, sleeping deeply. His arms were wrapped around the stuffed horse, ring finger stuffed in his mouth. Saliva leaked from the corner of his mouth, dripping onto his pillow. He was pre-teen in some ways, yet still a child in so many other ways, too.

Crouching down beside him, I kissed his cheek and shook him in attempt to wake him up. He didn't. I wondered how he could sleep so much. He went to bed at eight every evening and I was the one to wake him in the mornings. Where did it go wrong? Did he not sleep until late when I would send him to bed?

"Benjamin, wake up." I removed the covers off his pajama clad body, the cold seemed to wake him. A soft, rather high groan left his mouth and he sleepily opened his eyes. Once he realised I had woken him up, he pushed the horse off his bed and pretended not to have slept with it.

He furrowed his eyebrows and reached for the blankets, covering himself. "What are you doing here?"

"Waking you up." I shrugged, tried to brush the fringe from his forehead, but he turned his face away. "I thought I could take you somewhere today. You know, a day out. Like.. how it used to be. A father- son day."