When the morning comes

53 | when the morning comes

That night, after I had confessed all of my deepest engraved thoughts to Salomé, I had had a dream. Bare feet. Stepped upon a golden threshold. Golden gates. In front of me, an outstretched field full of the wildflowers I used to know. I remember breathing in deeply, feeling light. Healthy. Safe.

In the far distance, a little girl dancing along with the butterflies. Golden hairs flying as she twirled around. Slowly stepping around her, a woman with silky black hair, eyes blue and green, representing the skies and fields before her. Her skin had her Italian, olive tone. Eyes bright. Her lips pink. Appearance healthy. Her smile was calm, she danced with the little girl and the butterflies, smelling the wildflowers and letting out a soft, mischief and familiar laugh.

They came closer. My arm stretched out as far as I could, trying to reach them, but every time I thought I was near- they would move away. I'd felt a man's presence behind me. I couldn't see him, for every time I turned around, he moved along. Nonetheless, I could feel he was there. His presence was warm, embracing. "Are they pain free?"

"They are. They are very happy. I'm taking good care of them. Trust me, son."

She looked at me. Her sweetest smiles. She softly nudged the shoulder of Eden, they waved at me. I waved back. My mouth was trying to say out loud that I loved them, missed them, but no words erupted from my throat. After a while, Aurora looked away, took Eden's hand and they ran out of my sight, dancing and singing all along.

"They know, right?" I whispered to the Man behind me.

"They have always known, son."

I had woken up with tears streaming down my face. The leftovers of guilt, deep pain, disbelief and more coming out of my mouth as strangled moans, but in deepest peace, finally letting go. God had given me this dream. Her pillow in my arms, eventually Benjamin. "Papà?"

"I just saw Eden and Mamma in my sleep. They are okay."

"I know. They are with God."

"Today is the big day. Do you think he's ready for it?" Daniel handed me my third cappuccino of today. I took a large sip, needing the caffeine.

"He? What about me? Absolutely peeing myself." I glanced at Benjamin, who was eating donuts and drinking chocolate milk with Nolan. He was wearing his beige shorts, high knee socks, his Clarks and a white button up, tucked into the pants. I smiled contentedly.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" His voice was barely above a whisper. He didn't want to gain the others attention.

I looked around me. Poppy looked at Benjamin with teary eyes. Salomé was busy talking to Gloria. Amanda was sure everyone had something to eat. Teddy quietly enjoyed himself by looking around, catching up on different conversations. Davu showed Sade a video of a song coming from his culture. They had all come together for my son. I nodded slowly, looking up at Daniel. "Her story deserves to be heard."

"I agree. She was phenomenal."

I made eye contact with Salomé. She gave me a soft smile. I smiled back at her, somewhat timid. Thought back of our conversations in church, which had lasted until deep at night. Everything had come to light, and it had felt liberating. It had been a couple of weeks since that night.

She made me understand Benjamin's behaviour, from his enormous amount of sleep to his food attraction and his emotions. It had been no wonder he had slept so much for the past few months. He had so much to process- he had only begun processing Aurora's death, in form of Salomé's therapies I hadn't known of. He had needed his rest, his mind needing to give everything a place. The eating had just been his way of forgetting things, as well as the pinching on his stomach.