Lost (Parrlyn)

Chapter 23

You have upset and emotional Fiona writing this

Enjoy!

Mae and I go back a long way. A little too far for my liking.

My eyes register hurt... and shock... and dismay... But I shouldn't be the one feeling like this. 

Mae had every right to hate me. She had ever right to act in such a vicious and aggressive manner. If she hit me, harmed me, hurt me, I know that I would've deserved everything. 

I mean, what sort of mother abandons their kid as I did?

All of my words freeze in my throat as I stare at Mae, noticing how much she had changed. I wish I had been there to influence her. I wish I had been there to help her. I wish I was a good mother. But that wish would never come true. If there was any hope of building a relationship between us both, it had shattered from the minute those words tumbled out of Mae's mouth.

"Leave me alone, mum." 

I needed to fix the damage I had caused. Mae deserved so much better than me. The reason why she stood there, growing up parentless, was all my fault. I could've prevented that. But I didn't because I was selfish.

"Mae, please," I started, my voice wobbling slightly, "It's been so long..."

"No," Mae snapped, taking all of us by surprise. Janie was studying both of us carefully, no longer wearing her beaming smile. "Look, I don't want to do this. Not now, maybe not ever."

"I get that, I really do, but please," I begged profusely, "I want to be there for you."

Mae held up her hand to silence me, crawling out of the sand hole. She walked up to me and took a deep breath. I had a split-second suspicion that she was about to slap me.

"You're thirteen years too late," She hissed, wearing a scowl, "I grew up without a mum, I can continue living without one." 

Mae stormed off, throwing disgusted looks back at me. I sighed.

If I was going to fix this one heck of a mess, there was an awful lot I still had to do. I watched Mae go, hanging my head in despair. The chances of Mae wanting to hear me out were quite slim. Negative thoughts and fears swarmed my brain. Can I ever get her back?

Mary and Janie jumped back into the hole. They started digging, chatting to each other as if nothing had ever happened. I wish I could forget the previous events that quickly. 

Anne rested her arm on my shoulder, eyeing me sympathetically. 

"Let's go back to the tent," She offered, steering me back to the camp. I nodded.

When we got back to the tent, Jane pushed a mug of steaming, hot, mushroom soup which I downed hungrily. The one big benefit of living at camp was the free ready supply of food. We didn't need to do any stealing anymore.

I noticed whilst I was drinking my soup, Anne watching me out of the corner of her eye. Her eyes were narrowed like she was trying to suss me out. I felt uncomfortable, knowing that somebody was watching me so intently.

Once everybody had finished, Anne approached my side and led me to a more private area of the camp. She looked eager as if she wanted to know something that I did.

"Why do you want to hang out here?" I grumbled. It was getting dark and colder; I would much prefer relaxing inside the tent, surrounded by my family than out in the darkness with Anne. 

"I want to know something," She said slowly, looking at me. "I understand if you don't want to tell me...but I'm concerned about Mae."

I knew what she was going to ask me. 

"And?" I answered, trying to appear nonplussed.

"I want to know why you both hate each other." 

Anne was digging in dangerous territory. The territory that I want to stay buried, that I never want to see again. I didn't want to tell Anne that I was a loser, that I was a monster, that I was selfish. She would never look at me the same again; I didn't want to lose what we had. 

But Anne deserved to know. She deserved to know what happened between my daughter and me. She was my girlfriend, my closest companion, the one who brought into a new home. If anybody needed the truth, she did. 

As I stood there, considering what was right and what was wrong, Anne's blue eyes gleamed into mine. She looked desperate, urgent, inquisitive... She ought to know. I needed to tell her.

"I'll tell you," I whispered under my breath. "But not a word to anybody else. Promise?" 

I held out my pinkie and she hooked it with hers.

"Promise."