Lost (Parrlyn)

Chapter 19

Trigger warning- Self-harm and suicide

This chapter is dedicated to anybody suffering from self-harm or any kind of mental health illness. I want you to know that you are amazing and that you don't need to battle this alone. You are beautiful, kind, honest, caring, intelligent and my pms are open if you want to talk. 

A/N: The italics are Cathy's dream.

I didn't mean to do it. 

I don't know what made me do it. 

I could feel the adrenaline rush of anger flooding through my body. I could feel the unfairness of society clutching onto my skin. I could feel the tears streaming down both of my cheeks. 

"Anne," I whispered, raising my gaze to meet her eyes. 

"Stop!" She was yelling, wrapping her hand protectively over her right arm. "Cathy, this is my business and not yours!" 

"I can see that," I answered, putting my shaking hands into both of my pockets. I needed to look calm and sophisticated in front of Anne. I took in a deep breath, "But Anne, please stop doing this to yourself!"  

"I can't!" She wailed, "I can't just stop Cathy!" 

I chewed anxiously on my lip, scared to let the wrong thing tumble out of my mouth, scared to tell her something that would hurt, scared to lose her. 

I took a hesitant step towards her, feeling the gentle breeze of wind blow amicably against my cheeks. She turned her cerulean-blue eyes to look up at me, pushing back her long locks of hair. 

"Cathy, there's nothing you can do!" She screamed, "I need to do this, it's what's been keeping me going!" 

She lifted her arm to reveal a collection of scars that were planted carefully in a line on her arm. Her skin was inflamed with cuts, scratches and burns. They looked thick, they looked jagged, they looked deep. 

Tears were forming out of the corners of my eyelids as I struggled to keep a straight face. I wanted to be sick. 

I never knew how much she was hurting. 

"Annie, please!" I yelled, covering my head with both of my hands. When I finally looked up again, there she was, holding a small, pale-white dagger in her right hand. 

"Cathy, can't you see this is what I want?" She begged, lifting the knife so it hovered gently over her chest. 

"Annie put it down!" I shouted, almost choking on my tears. I suddenly felt so desperate. As if everything would never be alright again. 

"I love you," She mouthed before plunging the knife into her chest. 

"ANNIE! NO!" 

-------------------------------------------------

"Cathy, Cathy? Are you okay?" 

I snapped both of my eyes open, sweating feverishly. 

"Cathy, answer me!" I could hear Anne's voice float anxiously through my ears. 

"Annie, oh my god..." I murmured, pulling her into an awkward hug. "Are you okay?" 

"Am I okay?!" She asked me, looking at me as if I was hysterical, "You were screaming and crying and thrashing all over the place, are you sure you're alright?" 

"Yeah, quite sure," I responded shakily, putting a hand to my forehead. I shivered slightly as I felt my cold hand brush against my burning forehead. "Wait, I take that back. Before I answer, I need to check something..." 

I grabbed her right arm gently and I ran my soft finger up and down her wrists, checking for any scratches and cuts. When I saw none, I let out a huge sigh of relief. 

"Yes, I'm fine," I finished heavily, "Just a silly dream." 

Then without warning, I burst into tears. 

"Oh Cathy," Anne said gently, wrapping her arms securely around me. 

I liked that feeling with Anne's arms wrapped around me. I felt safe, I felt comfortable, I felt like everything would be okay, as long as Anne was there to cheer me up, to hug me, to laugh with me, to love me. 

"I thought you had died," I mumbled, nuzzling my head into her shoulder, "I really, genuinely thought you had committed suicide." 

"As long as you're still in my life," She smiled, "I would never do such a thing." 

I clutched onto her shoulder, swallowing back the whimper that was forming in my throat. My Annie would never leave me just like that. I should have known. 

"Right, can we resume driving now?" I heard a coarse, hard male voice command from in front of me. 

I completely forgot we were in a Taxi, surrounded by my entire family. The Taxi driver was gazing at me, disapprovingly and Jane was sitting in the passenger seat, her eyes showing shock and concern. 

"Y-Yes we can." I stammered, sitting back in my designated seat. I fumbled for my seat belt, seeking comfort in the smooth texture of something so recognisable. I clipped it in place and leant back against my seat, taking deep breaths. 

It seemed so real. It seemed as if it was almost happening in front of me.  

I thought then, for a few seconds I had lost Anne. That I had lost my sunshine, that I had lost my happiness, that I had lost my soul mate. 

I rested my head against the cool glass, watching the rain trickle down the Taxi window. As the Taxi headed for the motorway, I watched us pass a blur of trees, houses and cars as we headed for our new beginning. Our fresh start. Our new lives. 

I felt that nagging doubt at the back of my mind as if something wasn't quite right about all of this. 

A free ticket for 9 people to get across to America for one parcel? 

Was this Henry's style? To be helpful and kind and caring? 

A part of me wished it was true, that Henry wanted to help us out. 

But I knew that it wasn't true. 

And it was too late to turn back.