Paused Emotions

29

Angelica

I used to have dreams— nightmares of days that haunted me, that destroyed me, that left me completely broken. Now I have memories.

He was gone. The boy that put me back together was gone. I've been looking for him, texting him, asking for him, but no one seems to know where he is. He doesn't reply either, it's like he knows it's me even when I'm not the one calling him.

He dropped everything on me and left, the guilt inside of me is so alive I feel like I'm gonna die. I'm gonna continue trying but I'm so tired and frustrated. I want to see him.

I want to see Caspian once more.

The door opens and my head turns around to see Momo wiping the snow off her boots. "God, I hate Canada sometimes."

"Stop blaming the snow for your shitty mood," I wipe down a table. I stopped interning at the publishing house. I've been needing time away from everything that kept me distracted. "Adam's coming back, how can I not be in a shitty mood?"

"Maybe just like, I don't know, smile? Act like it's okay that he's coming back?"

"Easy for you to say, you've perfected the art of faking it all."

I freeze, taking it in. She isn't wrong.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to say that it just came out. You know how I am— stupid and all." She walks over to me and gives me a side hug. "It's okay, don't worry about it."

"Do you think he knows about Hira?" I ask her. She takes her jackets off, holding it close to her chest. "Why else would he come back here?"

"You think he's coming back to comfort her?"

"No, I think he's coming back to comfort you."

I smile, "I think he's coming here to comfort himself. He likes you, Momo. All you have to do is take the first step."

"Take your own advice. I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"Yes you do, you're just scared of what he's gonna say to you."

The door quietly opens and in comes Adam from behind. He lifts his finger to his lips and smiles, leaning against the doorframe. I keep in the urge to smile. It's been so long since I last saw him.

She huffs out, "Exactly! I'm afraid he'll turn me down, I'm afraid he stopped liking me, I'm so scared he believes Hira over us and I'm so, so scared he wants nothing to do with me."

"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about," he says.

He's right behind me isn't he? She mouths and I nod.

She turns around slowly, bracing for a smirk or some sort of cocky remark. But instead Adam hugs her very tight.

Watching both of them makes me realize how beautiful love can be, whether it's between strangers or lovers. Love has no limits or any rules.

Love is freedom even if it confines you to someone or something.

"See I wouldn't mind leaving you two to catch up, but we have work to do." Adam let's go of Momo and stares at her. They're having that weird lovey-dovey couple that's not a couple moment. He then averts his eyes to me and smiles. "Come here."

He opens his arms and I run and hug him. I've miss him so much.

"Everything's okay, I'm here now." He strokes my hair. "I've missed you," I whisper against his chest.

"I've missed you too."

He lets go of me, even though I don't want him to let me go. He already knows everything, from Caspian to Hira. Momo and I should probably talk to him about that but, I'm not sure if he would... You know... Be okay with everything that happened.

He's not exactly calm about these situations.

"Before I go all psycho mode on the two of you, can you get me something to eat?"

I roll my eyes. It's so typical of him.

When I get him something to eat, we talk. We talk about the things I was scared to tell him about. I tell him about the nightmares. I tell him about Caspian and I tell him about everything I've kept to myself. 

He hugs me, he comforts me and tells me he isn't leaving me alone again. I'm thankful for that. I love him and I know he feels guilty so I hug him back, and tell him it's okay... That I'm okay. 

"Momo." He calls her. I stare between the two, not sure If I should leave them or if I should stay. I decide to leave.  "I'll see you guys in a bit, I have something to take care of." 

I decide to walk around in the snow, feel the cold seep into my skin like it wants to kill me, or comfort me? I'm not sure which one it wants to do to me. But I walk, I walk like there's no tomorrow and I walk like I don't know if I should turn back or continue moving forwards. 

The snow looks so beautiful. It's white and it's ice, and I feel like I can control it. I feel as if it belongs to me, as if I belong to it. 

A horn blows. I turn my head left, seeing the truck coming at full speed. Shit, I'm gonna die today. I squeeze my eyes shut. 

I feel a hand grab onto my arm, pulling me back. 

The man in the truck screams sorry from his window and continues on his way. The ice must've prevented him from stopping. 

Bringing my attention back to reality, I glance at the hard chest I'm facing. 

The jacket is unzipped, the white sweater tight against the body. I swallow the dryness in my throat. I might look up and find myself a prince charming- 

Caspian. 

I stare at him and he stares at me. I can't believe he's right in front of me, I can't believe it. 

I nearly fall, glad his hands are holding me up. 

I smile at him, the rush of the years coming to me. His help, his affection, his everything.  

He stares at me like he can't remember who I am. Maybe he doesn't remember who I am, maybe he's been in an accident and he forgot all his memories- 

"Angelica." 

One word, my name. I look back at him, the smile returning. 

His brows are furrowed. 

"Angelica." He says the name like it's a prayer. And perhaps it is. Maybe he's been calling my name, waiting for the day I'd show up in front of him. 

"Yes, yes it's me, Caspian." 

He smiles at me. 

Just like that, the world feels whole again.

T H E   E N D 

*** 

A/N: 

I want to say thank you to everyone who's read Paused Emotions. It was a very flawed story, it has more imperfections than I can count and it's messy but I loved writing every single bit of it. It's special to me in a lot of ways, ways I can't write down right now. But thank you, thank you, thank you.