Paused Emotions

27

Angelica 

There was complete sadness inside of her heart. It was not noticeable to the people around her, but I saw. I saw the kind of pain she was in, the way she was struggling to get by. Her eyes were lacking the light that needed to be seen, the version of ecstasy wasn't a version at all, it wasn't there.

"You can promise me forever, but what is forever when today seems far away?" Her voice a soft whisper, a caress under the night sky. It wasn't night, it was morning. But she feels like the moon and I, the sun.

"Forever doesn't exist with promises, it exists with happiness." I replied, my voice strained. There were tears swelled in my throat, there was fire burning in my eyes. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted to tell her the truth, the truth that surrendered behind me.

"I don't believe in happiness," she says. It's like I can feel my heart race a mile a minute. I should tell her. I should tell her what actually happened that day.

"Then you don't believe in forever," I turn my body away from hers. I can't keep the truth from her but I can't tell her either.

"Forever doesn't start with happiness. Forever starts with epiphany. The realization you get that you can live on even when things get hard. If everything relied only on happiness, then we'd have nothing."

"Your friend." I turn to face her again. Her eyes are looking up at the sky, the sun shining down on her. "She's the one who exposed you."

She opens her eyes, squinting up. "What do you mean she's the one who exposed me? We already know it's someone unknown."

"The number ID leads to her phone."

She turns her face and looks at me. I can't tell what she's feeling, whether it's pain or shock. Maybe both. "How- how do you know?"

"I had someone track it down."

"You had someone track the number down, without me knowing?"

It's not like she would've let me, she herself said that she didn't want to know who did it. I did it for myself.

"It was her all along." Her eyes turn glossy. She moves away from me, "The truth, how do I know it's the truth?"

"You don't, you just have to believe me."

"Believe you? Believe you... I can't do that. Not until I have all the facts. So much of me is broken and ruined."

I can see her brain overthinking everything.

"I'm sorry."

The truth is the secret of our hearts, a lie that grows stronger over time. But it eventually needs to come out.

I looked inside the big envelope to see if I left out a page but I didn't. Though, there is a smaller envelope inside. Read after you're done.

Okay.

I rip open the envelope, taking the letter out. There's a couple of other things but I don't take it out just yet.

Dear Angie,

I've been waiting to tell you the truth since the lie formed. I didn't know how to tell you since you really admire this person. I wrote this book for you, if that wasn't obvious. I guess I completed the deepest fears assignment before you did. I found your story amusing, from the time we met, to your Mother passing away. I know about Elise and my sister too. What happened to her wasn't your fault. The world is as cruel as the hearts of artists and writers. You tried to stop her from being suicidal in ways you can't even imagine. Veronica told me about you, she told me how you would always stick with her and how when she was in a coma for 9 months you read to her every night. That was the absolute most you could do. Her life didn't get back to normal when she woke up, I found out that her left ear could barely function properly and she was always on edge. You blame yourself for taking her to that party and asking your sister's boyfriend to look after but he did completely the opposite and she ended up getting taken advantage of, I know why you blame yourself but it wasn't your fault. Veronica saw you having a panic attack that day, she knew you had to leave. What happened to Elise after was something she decided to do, it wasn't your fault at all. I'm sure she loved you and appreciated you more than anyone else could have. You have that about you, you know? Your words, your presence, your beauty, your kindness, it's watch attracts everyone to you. I'm sorry for your loss, Angie. I really am. This next thing I'm going to tell you is the lie that I kept to myself ever since you left Shakespeare. I didn't expose you on Instagram. Hira did. Her reason you ask? "She's as annoying as a fly, all I had to do was squash her to make her miserable." There's evidence of her chat with me in the envelope. Hira was jealous of you and your life. She thought it was perfect when it was far from that. It's gonna be hard accepting what she did to you and I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you but I need to clear my name. You hate me, and I don't want you to hate me. To be honest, I liked you that first week and a half that I saw you. You grew on me and I wish we had more time together with your Mom. You're as beautiful as the stars in the sky, even more beautiful than them. You shine brighter than all of them. I know you're mad at Jisoo for getting you to leave but she beats herself down for it everyday. She saw her Mom, even met her. It was going really well for them, she always talked about you to her Mom and her words showed her love and admiration for you. However, her Mom died from Cancer a year ago and all Jisoo's wanted is to see you since then. I hope you can forgive her and give her a chance to redeem herself. Throughout all of this, your deepest fear is yourself. You fear yourself and what you're capable of the most. I have the same fear, maybe we should write an essay and send it to our old English teacher. Not sure how that would work out but I still want the mark for it. That's all I have to tell you, stay safe Angie.

All the best,

Caspian (AKA Cass) 

The letter falls from my hand onto the ground. I rummage the envelope taking the evidence he mentioned out. There were printouts of his chat with Hira and there were numbers that tracked down her house and her phone. She did this to me.

My friend, whom I trusted, did this to me.

My heart breaks, the shattered sounds so loud I'm surprised the world isn't crumbling along with it.

The tears fall one by one, slowly moving into a storm. My sobbing sounds so humane. I haven't cried like this in a while, I haven't been able to let myself open up in a really long time. I hate that I haven't been able to feel the comfort of being free.

Elise. My Mom. Jisoo. Hira. Momo.Adam. Caspian. Veronica. Angelica.

I stuff the letter back into the envelope. Taking my phone out, I send a letter to Hira.

We need to talk. 

*** 

A/N: 

I have no words. I've thought about what I should say, but I still have nothing. 

Izza xx