Paused Emotions

16

A/N: The song speaks for itself.

Angelica

I'm trying to write.

My notebook is wide open in front of me and my mind is blank.

I hate writing now. I used to love it. I used to love writing because of how much I was able to explode without people judging me. But I can't now. My Therapist wants me to write for her. Autumn Woods wants me write for her. No one wants me to write for me. No wants me to just enjoy writing. They want to see the inside of me. The inner black soul of mine.

Who's gonna tell them my soul is bright but my heart is black?

"You've been staring at it for the past 15 minutes."

I look back to see Jisoo enter my room. Maybe I should ask her about yesterday's event, why she got so quiet and upset.

"I don't feel inspired right now," I say to her.

She moves closer towards me and sits down on the beanbag next to my study table. "Don't force yourself then," she smiles at me, "Do you want to go eat something?"

"Right now?"

She nods her head.

"You always just want to eat."

"It's not a bad thing."

"I never said it was."

She sighs, "Why aren't you asking me about yesterday?"

"I figured you'd tell me why you acted strange yourself. I shouldn't push you."

She looks away from and at the bulletin board against my wall. "I wanted to talk to you about it but it's not even important."

"Jisoo Unnie, everything about you is important."

"You should go with Baba to England."

She's changing the subject. If she didn't want to talk to me about what was going on with her, she didn't have to bring it up.

"He's going to England?" I didn't know that.

"For his business trip. You'll get inspired to write if you go with him."

"I can already feel the awkward tension of the plane ride... That is something I don't want to experience."

She frowns, "Angie, you and him are father and daughter. You should try to make it work."

Father and daughter doesn't mean anything in this world.

"Yeah... yeah whatever."

We stay quiet. I hear her let out a sigh, "Mama told me about how she... Um invited Caspian— Cass to our house for dinner this Sunday."

"I didn't want her to invite them but you know Mama."

"Can't she just pay them back herself? Like with you and her."

I pick up the pen and draw a circle in the empty page, "Would it make a difference?"

"I mean, Marina probably doesn't want people coming over. I know I'm not comfortable with new people knowing who I am."

It sounds like she's making excuses for herself. But why?

"Everyone in town knows you, Jisoo. It's not like you're a secret, he's gonna find out who you are. If not by you, by his sister."

"His sister?"

I give up, I close the notebook and turn to look at her.

"Veronica."