i'll tell the stars about you ᶠᵗ kenhina

part 19 || on the edge

Stargazing is romantic.

At least, that's what he knew. He always heard stories about how girls and guys go stargazing on dates, and match up constellations to impress whoever they were with. However, that wasn't why he was stargazing.

In the deaf of night, he looked up and realized he couldn't see a clear sky in Tokyo, but he wanted to connect constellations and shapes that would maybe help him remember. So, he did the only thing he could.

He took a train to Miyagi.

He chose not to drive to maybe bring back some memories of going back and forth on trains, perhaps a savory feeling of childhood or his teenage years. He yearned for anything that was a reminder of him. The train cabin he was in was empty, he was a lone passenger. It didn't bother him, it just made it easier for him to not think; or think too much at the same time.

Whatever it was, it was therapeutic. The feeling of going back to what you know, and just simply existing back in time through simple things. Things like stargazing.

Cold air whips around his whole body, but he wasn't focused on that. He was focused on finding his way to Karasuno's high school rooftop. He was sure he could easily catch the gaze of the stars there. Besides, roofs are another one of his favorite places to go. No one bothered him, and no one asked him if he was okay up there. No one was around, and he was alone, and he liked that. In this moment and time, at least. He usually hated silence and solidarity.

He laid on his back, pulling the hood off his hair and finally opened his eyes to see the stars.

The sky was dark, and riddled with glowing objects from every direction. Small, big, close and far away, the stars were all shining bright.

"Shōyō.." Kozume finally breathed a word out. His chest felt like it was stuck under a damn car, it had been choking him the entire time.
"I'm in your favorite spot, Shō, and you're still not with me. It's been two years, Shōyō, why the hell aren't you waking up?" Tears smudged his cheeks, and choked his breath.

"It's been so fucking long since I've kissed you, and you kissed back. It's been so long since I've heard you say that you were in love with me, or since you've braided my hair. I miss your touch, Shōyō.. my hair has no blonde in it anymore. It's completely brown and back up to my shoulders." Kozume pauses, feeling hesitant about talking into the sky on the roof of a high school, but he continued nonetheless.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I've gotten better at eating and whatever, but I still game to take my mind off you... it doesn't work. How could I ever take my mind off of you?" Kozume chuckles slightly, shuffling his legs to rest them more comfortably on the school roof.

"Maybe I can trace you in the stars, Shōyō. I can make out your pretty red hair," Kozume traces the stars with his fingers, "and I can also trace your facial features. Your pretty eyes, your lips, nose, and your eyebrows." His arm drops and his body starts shaking with sobs.
"I miss you too much, Shōyō. Maybe, we'll meet in another life time? Your doctors are fucking useless, they keep telling me you're never going to wake up and keep asking me to pull the fucking plug." Kozume chokes out.

"They keep saying that the machine is giving me false hope, that you won't wake up anymore. Can you believe that? They told me you're not going to come home to me, and you won't drink tea with me, and you won't cuddle me to sleep anymore. Fucking bastards.." His voice is barely above a whisper, but his chest won't stop beating fast.

Kozume was reaching for the stars so much that his feet made him get up, and stand under the sky, feeling as hopeless as that night he tried to forget. He couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. His hand grabbed onto the ring around his neck out of instinct.

"I'm on the edge, Shō. My life is meaningless without you. You were meant to be my forever, so why the hell aren't you waking up? Are you that tired of me?" He was going through the motions, failing to see how close to the edge he really was. A couple of steps back would reunite him with the cold asphalt, and it would welcome him in a cold embrace.

His eyes darted to the edge, and he positioned himself right there, between life and death, on the edge of a school building. He felt loneliness, desperation, and complete solidarity. He also felt free, and like he would be able to start anew if he just took a step back. He looked up for what it seemed like his last time, and he saw the stars shining just a little bit brighter. It might've been his teared up eyes, but they shined louder than they did before.

He felt his heart race fast, his fingers were tingling, and his head was empty. He had no thoughts, except for one.

"Tell the stars about me, Shōyō. I'll wait for you on the other side of the horizon." And Kozume was letting go.

But then his phone rang, and mid fall, he answered the call.

"Hello, this is Tokyo Hospital, and you're Hinata Shōyō's emergency contact. I'll keep this short. Hinata Shōyō is—"

Kozume didn't hear the rest. He was embraced by the cold asphalt, it cradled him in a fast deathbed, as it did in birth. It hurt. Everything hurt. Nothing felt real, and neither did this death. Nothing was real. It took him a minute to shake away the same nightmare he's been having for the past week. It didn't make sense. Who was this man and why does he keep getting dreams about him? Was he possibly somebody he fell in love with in a lifetime before this one? Or maybe it was in this lifetime, but he forgot?

Whatever it was, Hinata Shōyō had no clue who Kozume Kenma was. All he knew is that he had long hair, pretty eyes and a fascination with stargazing.

A knock sounded on his bedroom door.

"Shōyō-kun?" The door creaked to reveal Miya Atsumu, looking concerned for his shorter friend.
"Is it the same thing again?" He asked, and all Hinata could do was nod. He took a swig of water, letting himself cool down a little before he did anything else.
"Well, it's time for us to go, anyways. You've got an hour to get ready. MSBY is playing the Argentinian team, the one Tōru-chan is on. Good morning, Shō-kun." He softly closed the door of Hinata's room, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

With a sigh, he got up to get ready for his upcoming game.
Maybe, he'll go stargazing tonight. Maybe the stars can tell him about Kenma.