need - charli d'amelio

random chapter - this will be the death of me.

I should have told her.

I should have just told her at that moment, let it all out and tell her everything I felt.

I know what I should have done, but I was scared.

I was scared, scared of her reaction, scared that ill fuck it all up as I always do.

She asked what's wrong, she cares about me, she truly does.

I care about her too, but I am scared that I care too much.

I'm scared that I got too attached.
After I tell her, would she continue caring?

Would she continue caring after I say what has been on my mind?

Would she continue to care, or would she freak out and drift away?

That simple question has no simple answer.

Looking for answers that are just not there is pointless, but here I am, looking for them anyways.

She has been open with me, she tells me everything, and I am keeping secrets.

I don't even know what that secret exactly is anymore.

Is this a crush? Is this love? Do I even have feelings anymore? Did I ever have feelings? Was it all just confusion?

One thing I know for sure, is that I am confused now.

I feel disconnected from the world around me.

There are 8 billion other people on earth, and I had to fall in love with her.

I keep on saying I fell in love, did I?

Did I really fall in love?
If I did, why does falling in love hurt so much?

Why do I feel the way I do?

Why is this painful?

Isn't love supposed to be the best feeling?

Everyone looks for love, everyone needs that sort of approval.

Everyone wants this, but, how could they?

If I did not even fall in love, this is all meaningless.

All of my tears, all of my pain, for nothing.

This is all so wrong on so many levels.

I am trying to move past these feelings for her, for me, for both of us.

I am so clingy.

I am so needy.

She deserves better.

Not me.

I will ruin everything, I am a mess and I tend to mess things up no matter what I do.

She deserves someone better in her life, and I need to respect that.

She should have someone better than me, a guy who understands her, respects her.

Not a girl who is as a wreck as me.

She knows better than choosing me.

She needs someone that will be better, she can do better than me, and she should.

I feel like crying but tears aren't coming out.

They usually do.

Usually I am a mess, I break down and cry my soul out.

What is wrong with me.