Nostalgia || Namkook

23. I Still Want You

WARNING: Panic Attack.

💓

"You're okay. Breathe, please. You'll--- oh my god, Namjoon?!", Jungkook whisper-yells when he realizes that the man in his arms is none other than his ex-husband. Namjoon, meanwhile, tries breathing as normally as he can.

"What are you doing here? You can't handle heights!", Jungkook exclaims, incredulous. Namjoon can't say anything to it, feeling dizzy and like he might just fall on the ground if it weren't for Jungkook's hands supporting his weight.

"Fuck, can you please look at me?", he says gently, bringing one hand up to hold his cheek while the other stays secure on his waist. Namjoon looks up at him, eyes glassy, lips trembling as he fists his hands on Jungkook's shirt.

"Breathe for me, yeah?", Jungkook whispers. Namjoon nods with some difficulty but copies the way Jungkook breathes, deep and slow. His breaths come out shuddery and shaky at first but they even out as he does it a few more times.

"Okay?", Jungkook asks right when the shuttle comes to a halt, indicating the end of their time. Namjoon nods shakily. Without another thought, Jungkook wraps his arm around his shoulder, his free hand holding Namjoon's hand as he guides the both of them outside.

"Why did you come here, hyung?", he asks gently once they're settled on a bench under a tree. Namjoon sighs. "Taehyung brought me here and then left with a friend of his", he says, pouting a little.

Jungkook sighs as well. "Kids...", he shakes his head. "Jimin wanted to come here so bad but he's afraid of heights, too, so I had to go alone. I didn't want to leave him but he insisted", he smiles a little awkwardly.

"Where's he?", Namjoon asks, feeling a sudden urge to see his son, as his father this time. Jungkook sighs. God, they're sighing a lot today. "He went home because the shuttle was taking too long", he says with a roll of his eyes.

Namjoon's eyes narrow in suspicion. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?", he asks. Jungkook huffs out a laugh. "Yeah, I think they planned this", he says, sounding somewhat dismayed.

Namjoon keeps a hand on his arm. "It's okay. I'm not mad", he says softly. Jungkook smiles weakly at him. "I don't want you to be mad at me. Or Jimin and Taehyung", he says truthfully.

Namjoon nods. "I know. I'm not mad. I was furious at first but now I've realized why they're doing this. They're just kids, after all. It'll take time for them to understand everything. Besides... I'm getting married so I think Tae will finally stop", he says, a little cautiously.

Jungkook smiles knowingly at him. "It's okay. I already know that. I'm happy for you", he says. And it's true. Despite how much it hurts, he wants what's best for Namjoon and if he's happy marrying someone who isn't Jungkook, he'll wholeheartedly accept that.

Namjoon smiles back at him, though he looks extremely uncomfortable suddenly. "What's wrong?", Jungkook asks, one hand cupping Namjoon's elbow. "I don't know. I don't feel well", the older replies.

Jungkook's brows furrow in concern. "Do you want me to drop you home?", he asks. Namjoon contemplates on shaking his head but realizes it's probably irrational, especially considering how weak and tired he feels.

"That would be really nice of you, Jungkook. Thank you".

Jungkook's heart aches at the distant way Namjoon says it, as if he were a stranger. He still smiles, masking his hurt.

He probably deserves it anyway.

💓

"Your house is really nice", Jungkook comments once they're inside Namjoon's house. He gently leads Namjoon to the living room couch.

"Thank you", Namjoon smiles at him. "Alright. I should leave now. Jimin must be waiting for me", Jungkook says as an excuse even though he's pretty sure Jimin texted him about going to Hoseok's apartment for a sleepover.

"Hey, don't. You can stay. I bothered you so much today. Aren't you tired?", Namjoon jokes weakly, looking too out of it. He isn't sure what's happening to him today but he feels constantly dizzy.

Jungkook frowns and crouches in front of the couch, touching Namjoon's forehead with the back of his palm, flinching when he feels it burning. "Hyung, I think you have a fever!", he exclaims, worried.

Namjoon groans, looking absolutely miserable. "It's f-fine", he stutters, slurring. Jungkook shakes his head. "It's not fine. Where are your blankets? You need to rest", he says hurriedly.

Namjoon doesn't say anything, eyes closed as he whimpers a little. Jungkook bites his lip. It's one of those fevers. When they were still together, Namjoon used to get these really bad fevers at least twice a year. He didn't know it still happened to him.

Jungkook would always take time off of his very busy schedule on these days and spend all his time taking care of Namjoon, regularly wiping his face and chest with a cold, wet towel. He would make him his favorite soup and coddle him until he got better.

When they adopted Jimin and Taehyung, these fevers became less prominent. Namjoon would always keep them both away from himself no matter how much they wailed and whined to be held by their father.

Jungkook would be toggling between entertaining the toddlers and taking care of his husband on these days. No matter how stressful it sometimes was, he has never regretted it.

Jungkook sniffles wetly, overcome by an avalanche of memories, old yet still as fresh as a mug of hot cocoa, topped with fluffy marshmallows for that extra bit of sweetness, hiding the barest hint of bitterness in its wake.

He stands up from where he was crouching and enters a room he assumes is Namjoon's. He probably shouldn't enter without permission but Namjoon is not in a position where he can actively say anything.

He enters the room and decides to take the first blanket that catches his eyes, ignoring all the other things in the room. He doesn't want to pry on Namjoon's privacy. When he pulls the neatly folded blanket off of the bed, something like a piece paper falls out of it.

He bends down to pick it up and keep it back on the bed when the words written on the back of it grasp his attention. It's Namjoon's handwriting.

I still want you.

He reads the words on the bottom and gasps, eyes stinging with a stream of fresh tears.

It's a picture of them from their honeymoon.