Once Upon A Time, Jungkook

19. And For Once, Spring

Jungkook's funeral happened on Friday.

That day they brought a school's bench in to the lobby. They put Jungkook's picture on it and light up a candle.

The classes were shorter than normally on that day but no one cared about that. The bell didn't ring. When the class ended - everyone just got up and left. New students would replace them. A new class would start.

There was no mess and chattering. The life suddenly became clear. Like clear water.

Death always clears up your life. All of the sludge just sets to the bottom. The only things visible - is the most important things.

Later on - everything passes, gets forgotten and people start to dig into their own problems again. The sludge comes back up again and the water becomes dirty again.

I couldn't not go and not say goodbye to Jungkook. And that day, when I walked next to him, I understood a lot and learned a lot.

More than during all of my life.

Everything - saying goodbye and the drive to the cemetery - only took a couple of hours. But in my thoughts, I lived my whole eighteen years of life all over again.

I understood, very clearly, that death is the closest in our youth days. The adults don't even realize that. I even got a little shaken up after realizing such a disturbing truth about life.

Death is walking around us, on it's tiptoes. It spies on you like a cat, waiting for your one fatal decision. Your one fatal mistake.

And for once, Spring,
You will come back bravely...

It was a perfect, sunny day. Just that, the sun seemed fake. It seemed like it's warmth and light didn't reach the Earth. My whole body was pierced through with horrible coldness. From head to toe, shivers ran through my body.

My chest was still in pain. When I took deep breaths, I could still feel the pain from the broken rib on my right.

The stitches were taken out on Thursday. But that was nothing. I knew that I will get better, that everything will pass.

And Jungkook?
Jungkook was gone.

Oh lovely, Spring,
You won't find me here no more...

My parents were by my side during the whole funeral process. Dad even excused himself from work. Mom didn't attend the final piano exam commission.

Both of them did it all for me.

They both stood next to me when glances of pity or curiosity were thrown at my direction.

How did I survive and Jungkook didn't?
Why did that happen?

No one asked me any questions but I could feel those silent stares. I could understand it.

I felt as if I was the only witness regarding this tragedy. The only one left alive.

If I'm being honest - I mostly didn't see what was happening during the funeral. Everything was just so unreal. So unreal that I couldn't believe it all.

Only for a moment, I got my senses back and I watched Jungkook mom's tear stained face. As if through a fog.

Something told me that she came back to her son's funeral within 24 hours from the overseas.

She hasn't seen Jungkook for so long. Longer than years and I was there with Jungkook, during his last moments. I was with him all the time.

I couldn't help but remember that horrible moment once again - our flight through that dug up hole, the screaming breaks and the tightly bit Jungkook's teeth.

It plays back in my mind - with all the horrifying details. My blood froze. It seemed like my head was going to explode.

It dawned on me - that I won't be able to handle this. That moment, my father's hand squeezed my shoulder once again.

He was standing behind me and I could feel him - I could feel his hand shaking. His whole body was shaking.

"I would like to do something crazy..." those were the words Jungkook told me. Those were his words and only he could say them. He said them before taking not only my purity, but also - my heart and soul.

I wouldn't be able to say them out loud because I never had that much courage.

Oh but we all wish to do something crazy in our lifes.

I have heard them thousand of times in my life before. They were hiding inside me - afraid to come out into the light. But Jungkook just took them and said it out loud. As simple as that.

He could do that. He could do anything and everything that I couldn't. Or maybe he didn't even exist and maybe I finally grew up and the fear of talking and doing what I want, however I want, disappeared.

The fear of being myself disappeared.

But Jungkook wasn't a dream. Jungkook was a whole year to me. He was my whole new beginning. I could still hear his voice in my ears. I could still clearly hear his brave and encouraging words.

He was brave.

Handsome, talented, strong. He was everything that I wished I was. He was everything that I dreamed to be.

Secretly admiring him, I wanted to be even a little like him.

Jungkook left, but he still left me something. I wonder - did he know that?

I will never forget, how in the hospital, after the story of his girlfriend in school, my father told me:

"People are very different, son. They can pull you down into the most darkest waters, where there's no light. But people can also lift you up to the sky. Up to the clouds and above. Just know that"

Did you know that, Jungkook?