Lillian 'Anna' Potter || Goblet of Fire

Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Want to Live

“Momma! Momma!”

6 year old Anna came bounding through the garden, where she collided straight into Andrea’s open arms, embracing the woman’s torso tightly.

“Oh honey. It’s Andrea, remember?” She corrected the young girl, straightening Anna’s bow as she wiped dirt off of one of her chubby cheeks.

Anna frowned. “But everyone else has a mom. Why can’t you be my mom?”

Andrea’s smile was sad. “Because you already have a mom, Carrot-top. She might not be around anymore, but she loves you very much, and she’ll always be your mother.” Andrea eased herself on the ground as Anna plopped herself in her lap. “Now - what did you want to ask me?”

Anna wrinkled her nose. “Am I tough? Or am I...too scared?”

“Why? Did someone say something to you?”

“Dana said that the reason why I don’t talk is because I’m an unwanted nobody because I don’t have a real mom or dad. She says that no one would ever want me because my hair is too red and curly, and no one likes a ginger…” She chewed the inside of her lip. “Is that true, Andrea?”

Anna had never seen that look in her foster mother’s eye before, but then Andrea’s face settled into an easy smile as she carefully removed Anna’s beret. “Is that why you’ve been wearing so many hats, Lily?”

“Anna.”

“Right, sorry.” She placed a warm hand on Anna’s cheek before beginning to fluff out Anna’s curls. “Listen close, Anna. Some kids have parents, some don’t. But just because your mom and dad aren’t with us anymore, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t loved very dearly.”

Andrea poked Anna’s nose gently. “And you happen to be the prettiest, most precious little girl I know. So you be confident of that red hair of yours because your hair, your eyes - those are the gifts that your parents gave you.”

The girl’s gaze was curious and full of awe. “You mean...my mom and dad are the ones who gave me my hair?”

Andrea nodded.

Anna stood up - her emerald eyes shining with confidence and determination - the same emotions that flashed in the eyes of the Anna of today. “You’re right, Andrea. I’m not gonna be quiet anymore. I’m going to show Dana that being a ginger is the best thing ever, and that I don’t care about what she or anyone else thinks, because my parents love me - even if they aren’t around anymore - and they gave me this hair, so I’m going to be proud of it!”

The scene dissolved as the two began laughing together, and Anna blinked as she began to rouse - trying to regain her bearings as she awoke.

Bed. I’m in my bed in the girl’s dormitory. Her chest ached and she felt like she’d been run over by a truck, but that didn’t stop her from forcing herself up as she tried to figure out what time it was.

“Easy. You shouldn’t be getting up yet.” Hands gently pushed her back down on her pillow.

Anna blinked furiously, and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was Draco, sitting in a chair by her bedside.

He looked exhausted, and slightly fatigued as her brushed his bangs from his eyes, but his face was stern. “Diggory just left. I told him to go eat, considering he’s been sitting faithfully at your side like a mutt for the past few hours - not to mention I've had to babysit your clingy cat, who has tried to kill you at least 3 times now.”

Ah. That was the bruising weight on her chest.

Draco stood. “You should rest, Anna. I’ll go get him.”

He turned to walk away, but Anna quickly reached out and tugged at his sleeve, wincing at the sudden movement, causing Draco to stop in his tracks. “So that’s it? No, ‘it’s good to see you alive again’, or ‘congratulations on not dying’?”

“You shouldn’t have been in the position to die in the first place.” Draco answered airily, but he sat back down in his designated chair, and she relaxed. “Seriously, Anna? I didn’t think you’d be the one cowardly enough to take your own life like that.”

“It wasn’t attempted suicide!” She exclaimed. “Starglass granules - you take them, and they’ll let you see the dead.”

“And if you take them more than once, you’ll most likely die.”

Silence.

“How did you-”

Draco waved his hand. “Diggory was more than happy to fill me in on the specifics. Luckily he’s not failing Herbology, and recognized how to fix the effects. Too bad he couldn’t fix your stupid head also.”

“Hey!”

“Why did you take those granules, Anna?” His silver eyes left no room for discussion. “I don’t understand. You have a life. The Weasleys, Granger, Diggory, your brother - you have no reason to feel sorry for yourself!”

Anna’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and her hands clenched into fists. She hated this - she hated being chastised and treated like a child like this. But she had no choice but to take it, because she was the one who had made a terrible decision. It was her fault, and she had to be able to handle the consequences of her actions - though the aching in her bones sure felt like punishment enough.

“I just...I just wanted to see my parents, Draco.” She finally whispered. She hated how she sounded so vulnerable, so fragile - like one wrong word may cause her to shatter completely. But it was Draco - and if the Slytherin Lord could afford to be vulnerable in front of her, so could she.

So she told him - telling him everything she could without letting slip the one secret she had sworn to keep until her last breath.

Anna told him how she felt when she first found her foster family dead on the floor. How she discovered transforming into an Animagus could make the hurt temporarily go away. How her life just seemed to be one big cycle of demise.

“The starglass granules - I took them once, and I know I wasn’t supposed to take it again, but it was the one thing that actually worked.” Anna whimpered as she sat back against her headboard and raised her sleeve to her eyes to wipe away the tears before he could see them.

There was suddenly a pale hand around her wrist, and she looked up in confusion to Draco, who had grabbed it. He only shook his head. “Don’t you see?” He said softly. “All of your hurt, your pain. It’s because you aren’t letting yourself feel. Whether it’s because you're afraid you’ll be seen as weak, or because you’re afraid of the pain itself, you can’t keep suppressing your emotions. Because you are only going to hurt yourself more.”

Her eyes welled up with a fresh round of tears. “How do I know it’s going to work, Draco? Nothing else has. Only numbing the pain does.”

“No it doesn’t, Anna.” His voice was confident. “It doesn’t, because if it really helped, you wouldn’t have to be doing it over and over again, constantly never satisfied.”

And suddenly, Draco seems to have unlocked some sort of ancient secret, and she can’t stop the grateful sob as she wraps him into a tight embrace.

He’s startled at first, and she hears his breath stop, but then he accepts it, and leans into her.

“Thank you. For everything.” She whispered.

Draco shook his head. “It was Diggory. I could’ve never guessed how to help you - not like he did.”

“No, Draco. Not that.” Anna said. “Cedric helped me stay alive. You’re the one who made me want to live.”