hero's shadow // mha

22) what would i do?

You know when you put a seashell against your ear, and you hear the sound that adults always tried to convince you was the sound of the sea, but as you got older you realized it was just the sound of the emptiness that filled the shell? Izuku is that sound.

He's empty and alone. So, so alone. And it's his own fault. He should've tried harder to be something that his parents could love. Should've tried harder to actually tell Kacchan about One for All instead of being a weak little bitch and resolving to keep it quiet. Should've tried harder to not let their simple argument turn into something bigger.

So yeah. It's no wonder he doesn't have many friends. He's pathetic.

This is all his fault. That's how it always is, right? He works toward something and hits all the right notes along the way, but then he does something stupid that screws it all up to the point of no return. It's like that's just what he was made to do: build and then destroy. He can make an entire essay on that specific argument.

It was his own stupidity that made Inko push him away. That made All for One think he'd be a good vessel for all his ideals and quirks. That made Kacchan blow up on him, which added even more strain to their all-or-nothing friendship. It was his own stupidity that made Ms. Hanako and all of the new heroes in his life trust him—and sure, he hasn't done anything to harm them specifically, but just by being who he is Izuku is putting them in danger.

What's even worse is that he's being selfish by even allowing them in his life. He said yes to One for All, knowing that the small ripple it would undoubtedly create would eventually turn into a tsunami and decimate everything in its path. He broke Kacchan's trust, and that hurts more than any blow or bullet wound.

Izuku blinks slowly, looking mutely at the streets far below him. It's always pretty at this time of night. The colorful lights of the city always serve as a reminder to Izuku of the beauty of the world, but right now it does nothing but give the boy a migraine.

He didn't plan on patrolling tonight. His arm isn't fully healed yet, after all, even though he'd taken his cast off immediately after leaving the doctor's. He should be fine if he takes it slow. Besides, the painkillers he was given don't just work for Extract. The regular nuances and burning in his body have been reduced to nothing more than a slight prickle.

Damn pills cost me my entire check, so I'd hope so.

Someone is speaking. His phone must still be playing the news story he was watching on YouTube a couple minutes ago, but Izuku isn't listening anymore. Only one sound is filling his ears, and it's emptiness.

He can barely remember when he used to feel. Can barely remember what love and happiness and safety and fear and despair and crushing loneliness felt like. It's as though Izuku only has a monthly allowance of feelings, and he's used it all up within the first few days, and now he's left empty and numb until the new month comes along.

God, he's so—so stupid. He should've never said yes to All Might. He should've known what would happen; should've known that the very quirk that's been giving him the only semblance of hope he's had in a long time would be the one to eventually kill him.

And he doesn't even fucking know when. The why is easy; the doctor had explained that part to him. It's the timestamp that's giving the boy a bit of an issue.

With the rate his body is going, it'll be anywhere between one and thirty years. Not very specific at all, right? Which is bullshit, because Izuku hates the unknown more than anything in this world. If he had a date, or at least a more specific estimate, he'd be okay. He could come to terms with it. But now he's left thinking and worrying about it.