Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen: Evan

It's easier to blame the idea that the world is against me and despises my fucking guts thus the consistent pattern where my life never really goes according to plan.

I can also just blame the fact that I was never good at constructing plans. That's why every time I make one, it ends up going down the drain for its sheer ineffectiveness.

But I know if I continue blaming everything that goes wrong in my life on insubstantial claims instead of taking accountability for my own inconsideration, I might as well just run in circles.

That's why as much as my indignity wants to blame Alyssa and her spontaneity for the cause of my plan consequently failing, there's only so much stalling and pointing fingers that I can do before I realize that the problem is... Well, me.

Me and my tendency to not listen to any line of reasoning I know if I tried to comply, I could've easily prevented all of this. All of this being the absolute mayhem that keeps transpiring in my life and yet I keep making the unconscious decision to perpetuate it.

To continue being so stubborn because I don't know where my limits are anymore, that's why I keep putting myself in these predicaments that I know are only going to inflict more harm than good, but you don't really get to digest that when you're too blinded by your emotions to act logically, now can you?

At this point, I only have myself to blame.

But it seems as though my pride is still having a hard time coming to terms with that because even though my sensibility has reprimanded me, I still couldn't stop myself from making my frustrations ruin the mood as soon as Alyssa tagged me along to go out and eat with her.

I just wanted to remind myself that it isn't her fault, how could it be when the only thing she's done was to spend the majority of her days hanging out with me even though she's not obligated to do so?

Yet here I am, being fucking ungrateful and making her think that I don't appreciate her let alone enjoy her company, and I know I can make the effort to hide it, but it's hard when you're crushed by the consequences of your own actions and you don't even have anyone to talk about it with.

Because I obviously can't talk to Alyssa about this, after giving her mixed signals alluding to me being interested in her, which to be frank, I still am.

But how the hell is that going to seem truthful if I suddenly rant to her about how my ex is here in New York, and how I can't seem to think about anything else aside from her and how her current relationship makes me want to punch drywall?

Therefore, I repress the need to vent about it despite wanting to do so very badly, which just led to me looking like I'm about to strangle the next person that even steps at least a few feet away from me, and it's obvious my shift in behavior was prominent to Alyssa as I notice her, from the corner of my eye, glancing up at me with a tinge of concern swimming in her ocean blue eyes.

A throb of guilt panged in my chest upon her noticing her equally affected demeanor, she was a sponge that way, because here I am dragging her down with my bullshit when she just wanted to have a simple lunch out with me, and yet here I am contaminating the atmosphere with my bitterness and envy which to Alyssa, probably appears like blatant detachment and disinterest.

Great, it hasn't even been that long and you've already managed to screw things up with the girl you were planning to pursue. Good fucking job, Prince Charming.

"Hey," Alyssa called out softly as she reached out to stroke the side of my palm with her thumb, looking up at me as we got seated at the corner of the restaurant we're dining at, the same restaurant we ate at yesterday, specifically "Are you okay?"