Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen: Maggie

Avoiding someone who's constantly in your general vicinity is difficult especially if what's fueling your intentions to circumvent isn't distaste towards the person.

Considering avoidance is inherently derived from one's need to deviate from a force, tangible or not, that you know is harmful to you, whether it be physically or emotionally. You steer away from it because you know it shouldn't be integrated into your life.

It's hard to do that when your feelings beg to differ, convincing yourself whether who you're trying to avoid is the one who's not good for you or if you're the instigator in the situation. Considering it'd be just as easy to sweep things under the rug as long the threat wasn't intentionally trying to provoke you.

The problem is, Evan is literally just minding his business.

Whilst I'm over here looking for reasons to freak out and overthink, he's most likely unaware that I'm finding his existence to be a major inconvenience to how I navigate through my own life, and that the feelings are one-sided because he looks genuinely unperturbed.

I was never really good at putting a stop to my emotions, I was never those types of people who could just eliminate all their worries and anxiety by casting them aside, to parallel other people's behavior just to accommodate them, even those that I love. I was never like that.

I tried to, considering the goal has always been to embody stoicism, but if I were to be honest, you can't fake stoicism if you give a shit about almost everything and everyone.

In my case, I give a shit about Evan Williams a bit too much to pretend that his existence is irrelevant to me because it never was, and it never will be.

I can't dismiss the way my heart flutters whenever I spot him from a distance, I can't dismiss the way my breath hitches when I catch him talking to a girl, wondering if he finds her more interesting than he ever did with me, and most importantly, I can't dismiss the way my chest feels heavy seeing how unbothered he is while I'm over here, suffering in silence and swallowing my feelings hoping maybe if I do so long enough, they'll get buried so deep that I'll eventually forget about them.

But my feelings are more capable of consuming me than I ever could of repressing them, that I wonder if I'll just end up being an empty shell of the fully-functioning human being that I was once and morph to that of a basin that's constantly overflowing with emotions.

Never really a cup half full or a cup half empty, at this point, I'm just a body of water waiting to drown in the depths of her own ocean floors. It's sickening too, how in that context I secretly accuse Evan to only be the one that's drowning me but is also the one keeping me afloat.

Days have passed since the first time I was made aware of Evan's presence here in NYU, and it's getting harder and harder each day to remain sane.

To put on a convincing mask of nonchalance whilst simultaneously doing my best to make sure Levi doesn't find out Evan is currently attending NYU, because yes, he's going to find out eventually even if I try my best to prevent it, but it's better to extend his ignorance until further notice, which is when I'll be able to brush off Evan's existence like it's nothing.

When will it occur? I honestly have no fucking clue.

It's better only one of us is aware, God knows I don't need Levi alarming anyone else about this because even though Levi managed to reconcile with me when he arrived here in New York, a part of me knows he still views Evan as a threat to the stability of our relationship.