Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two: Evan

Guilt.

A feeling that can never be satisfied with its invasion once it's entered someone's subconscious, unlike wrath that stands unyielding in its assault or grief that flows like running water and only evaporates once you've let the flood drown you completely.

Oh, but guilt? It doesn't just go as quickly as it came, and neither is it content with just a single visit but then leaving permanently once it's done its intended purpose.

It's relentless with its intrusion, coming back and forth knocking at your door even as you throw it out of your home, never to be heard of again.

But it reaches out, again and again, and again.

It's just as adamant in its arrival as it is to linger and stay put, so it doesn't surprise me that once I left that classroom to let Maggie fend for herself against her boyfriend's pending indignation, that guilt was just as swift to catch up with me and my blatant betrayal.

... Or was it betrayal? Usually, when you're faced with remorse, denial is the first resort and you exercise that by denying what happened and rationalizing yourself with objectivity.

Convincing myself that I didn't betray her because it's her issue to resolve with her boyfriend, and it's not my problem if Levi still hasn't changed his ways and chooses to misinterpret our interaction just because he knows it was me, and I was the reason they had broken up at one point.

In his eyes, I'm a threat, but solely because he's intimidated by me and is aware that my three-month relationship with Maggie was far way more fulfilling than their two-year relationship ever was, but it's not like it's my fault that he can't keep her happy even when he's given a second chance.

But hey, that sounds more like his problem than it is mine.

Still, that doesn't stop the guilt from grabbing me by the ankles and hurling me into a relentless spiral where I ruminate over why I seem to feel bad about leaving Maggie alone with him.

I'm well aware their relationship hasn't always been the... healthiest, hell, I was one of the few people who made her realize how fundamentally imbalanced it was and how controlling Levi was, and probably still is, for that matter.

But she wouldn't have gone back together with him if things didn't at least change for the better, right? He obviously proved to her that he was worthy of a second chance, that they worked things out, and that they're together for a reason.

That she wouldn't have left me astray and came running back into his arms if he didn't at least offer her a semblance of comfort, now would she? So there's no need for me to worry because she chose him and not me.

What happened between me and her in that classroom was just a culmination of all the pent up bitterness we bottled up for too long finally erupting, and if she didn't have to hide anything she'd tell him that there was simply nothing but bad blood, and if he trusts her he'd believe that there's nothing more for us to revive other than hatred and betrayal.

That he could have her as much as he wants, and that I've had enough.

That there's nothing for us to look back on, and the only thing we'll gain out of this is a dead-end road, and if I continue to perpetuate this toxic cycle, it's just going to be equivalent to driving down a deserted highway despite there not being a solid destination to stop at.

There's nothing I should feel liable for, and it may have left a bad impression especially because of how... close we were to each other before Levi had intervened.