Shadows like mine

24

Azriel didn't visit Aurora.
    One week had passed already. Every time he felt like he was ready, the reality pushed him right back to the place he was now.
    In the mansion Aurora had been staying.
    Now she was lying in the House of the Wind, where Nesta, Cassian and the House itself could take good care of her.
    He didn't want to see her.
    It scared him. What if she would know? What would happen then? Would she scream at him? Hate him? Because he was something she couldn't have, ever? It could break their relationship.
    All these thoughts were playing over and over in his mind. Now he was sitting at one of the desks in the mansion, trying to distract himself with work.
    Amren heard about Aurora's return. She had visited her, got more information about Death and dug herself right back into the books. Having a new goal to work on, really did a good thing for Amren.
    Azriel threw his pen away.
    He could only think about Aurora.
    For some reason he hated it. Because he wasn't worthy of their bond. She didn't accept it, didn't know about its existence. Azriel wanted to keep it that way.
    She wouldn't take him. Why would she?
    Aurora said that he was a friend.
    It made Azriel sick, knowing that he would be like Lucien.
    He could only be able to look at his mate. He would torture himself, it would kill him to see her and knowing she doesn't want you.
    They would be like Elain and Lucien.
    He wanted her. She didn't want to have any contact with him.
    That was the hard and sad truth.
    She would fall in love with someone else... except that wouldn't happen to Aurora. No one could ever touch her. She would have no lover.
    This life, this fate, was cruel.
    The Mother played a dirty game with Azriel's life. Giving him a mate who could take his life any moment, or hers. Having a mate who was distanced from everything that was life. Having a mate who belonged to Death, and not Azriel.
    It made him fume of anger.
    It just sucked. A mate who didn't love him. A mate who didn't belong to him.
    Again a woman that would never be his to have. Another woman out of his reach.
    Mor. Elain. Aurora.
    And Aurora was the last one.
    Knowing that she was his mate, Azriel was sure he would never be able to look at other women again. He would never be able to share the bed with another woman.
    Because he loved Aurora.
    Fuck. He loved Aurora.
    Azriel hid his face in his hands. He was so fucked.
    He stood up. Needed to move. Azriel went for a flight. A long, cold flight above the clouds. He needed to get away from everything. He almost did this every day.
    As soon as he landed, he saw Feyre waiting. She was smiling, but it didn't reach her eyes.
    "Hey," she said. "How are you doing?"
    Azriel just shrugged. Feyre knew. Just like Rhys. He didn't want for the others to know.
   "I guess I am okay," he answered.
    "I won't stay long," she said, knowing that he wanted to be alone. "I am just here to bring you the news."
    Fear immediately started to built in his chest. "What kind of news?"
    "Aurora left Velaris."
    His heart dropped onto the street below him.
    "What?"
    Her sad smile disappeared. "She's in the palace on top of the Court of Nightmares. She wanted to be alone."
   Azriel swallowed. "Does... Does she know?" His voice was nothing more than a whisper.
    "No," answered Feyre. "But she couldn't bear the idea of being here, after the incident in my garden."
    Azriel nodded. Of course he understood. And he couldn't bear it either.

Another week passed. A week full of weird dreams and sleepless nights. He would dream, wake up, fall back asleep and have the same dream again. It tortured him, stalked him.
    It was like the dream didn't want him to sleep.
    Again and again he saw the same image. The sun, shining through his shadows. The sun was so bright, so hot, that it made him wake up.
    Azriel decided to train instead of sleep. He trained the priestesses again. He trained himself, until he was so tired that he could barely make it to his bed.
    He didn't speak to his family. He couldn't handle it. Didn't know what to say, what do to. Azriel didn't want them to know.
    But someone knew.
    Because there was a knock on the door.
    When Azriel opened the door, Elain was waiting for him. "Hello, Azriel," she said. He just gave her a nod and let her inside. Elain looked around, as if it was the first time she saw this place.
    "Is there something?" he asked. He loved Elain, but he didn't want anyone near him right now. The thoughts about Aurora were consuming him and he didn't want for anyone to see.
    "Actually," she started, "there is. I wanted to see how you're doing." She gave him a shy smile. "I haven't seen you in two weeks."
    Elain sat down on the couch and Azriel did the same. Sitting across from her, he watched her. She noticed how his shadows were almost hiding him from the sight.
    "Not so okay, I guess." Her eyes seemed to fill with sadness.
    "I have a lot on my mind," he mumbled.
    "Do you want to share it?" Her eyes were sincere — she wanted to help him.
    But she was the last person to be able to help him.
    "No," he answered. "I'm sorry. I have to do this alone."
    Her eyes softened. "It's her, isn't it?"
    Shocked, Azriel wasn't able to say anything.
    It was all Elain needed to know.
    "You love her." She looked down and he could clearly hear the hurt in her voice.
    "Yes," he whispered, because it was useless to deny it. "She's my mate." He almost choke on the word.
    Frowning she looked up at him. Elain couldn't hide the hurt, the pain.
    She wanted him to love her. She wanted him. And maybe, when everything had been different, they would be together. If she didn't have a mate, if he didn't have a mate... They would've been a perfect couple.
    "Is that why you're here?" she asked him. Her voice broke. "Why?"
    "Doesn't matter." He didn't want to talk about this with Elain.
    "Are you afraid?"
    It was serious question, no insult. And it still hit Azriel.
    "Yes." Lying wouldn't help him.
    "Why would you?" She truly didn't understand.
    "Because I am afraid she doesn't want me," he said with a soft voice, a fearful voice. "I'm afraid I can't have her. That this is cruel joke of the Mother."
    "Why wouldn't she want you?" asked Elain and she wiped away a tear. It broke his heart seeing her like this.
    "She belongs to Death." His voice sounded flat. "There's no use."
    Elain was silent, just like Azriel. She could see his anger and fear. He couldn't hide it. The emotions were too strong to hide.
    "Don't you want to try?" Surprised he looked at her. "I can clearly see you love her. You always have. And I think... I think she loves you too, deep down. I think she's afraid."
    "Why would she be afraid of me?" he asked sarcastic. Elain shrugged.
    "Not of you. But of hurting you. She's afraid of what she'll do to you. Or what Death will do." She looked at him with sad eyes. "I have always been in love with you," she confessed.
    Azriel couldn't speak.
    "And I knew it was stupid. For a moment I thought we could be something." She wiped away more tears. "But I think you should go to her. You two are mates for a reason. Don't let fear get in the way of your love."
    Azriel looked at her in awe. He didn't think about it.
    "You should go to her. Try it." Elain got up. "Try to have happiness with her. You deserve it." She walked away and slammed the door behind her.
    Lost in her words, his own thoughts, Azriel looked at the couch Elain was on just a few seconds ago.
    What if she was right...
    What if he would try? If she didn't want him, then he would go. He would leave her alone. He would never speak to her again, if Aurora wanted to.
    But if Aurora did want him...
    Azriel didn't give himself more time to think. He ran out of the house and spread his wings.
    Azriel never flew faster in his life before.